Relationship Post Mortem

While my blog tends to cover the same ground as other Red Pill bloggers in terms of what I’ve already learned, I am trying to make a conscious effort to also show that I am still learning what it means to be Red Pill.  When I reference any of these writers whom have inspired me, I try to show how the information affected me, as well as how good the information is in general for any man looking to unplug.

But what happens with that information when I try to apply it to my life? 

One thing that I am learning to do now as an over 40 aware man that I never did before in my 20’s or 30’s is to analyze myself in how I am doing in my life.  This includes my personal goals, my fitness goals, my goals learning game, and my relationship goals.  Self actualization and analysis used to be something I thought was an absolute waste of time, and being plugged in, why wouldn’t I think that?

But emerging into this new Red Pill world, writing down and recording my goals and how to achieve them, and critiquing and then analyzing my behavior in a relationship or during an approach can yield massive amounts of information to help assist me in doing better next time. 

One of the things I want to share in this blog, upcoming podcast, and videos, is how a man in my position deals with these challenges.  I want you to see my progress, because many of you don’t know where to start, how to proceed, and what to analyze.  I want you to read, listen, and watch me, because deep down if I can help one man get through the same issues I have, then I’m doing what I set out to do. 

In my interactions with women, I’m trying to learn the ways of the Red Pill, and not just in the realm of pickup.  I also am trying to analyze my relationships with women, both past and current, to see where I can be better.  So, in the spirit of this experimentation, I am going to publish a post mortem of a relationship that ended for me just recently. 

To begin, let me say that I fell into some major beta traps in this relationship.  I can freely admit I screwed up, and making that statement is hard enough for a man who just broke up with his girlfriend.  But there were also major strides made.  As a blue pill, especially in past relationships, it would have never come to me to think of questions as I analyze my actions. 

I’ll now go through some of the words buzzing through my mind as I start my post mortem, then describe what happened, and throw in details of what I feel I could’ve done.  And yes, I expect many of you will be shaking your heads until your neck hurts.  It’s an honest approach from me, and I made many mistakes on this.

Background:  I met this particular girl at a mutual friend’s party, and while I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything long term, we hit it off.  She was a year younger than me.  She approached me as I was talking to another friend, and we began to talk.  She was an HB 7, and in good shape.  I asked for her number, she gave it, and asked her out via text.  She accepted, only after calling our mutual friends to make sure I wasn’t trying to just bed her and move on.  I replied with, “Whatever happens, happens.”  Also, a very big red flag came up that I ignored.  She had just broke up with her boyfriend of two years the same day we met.

Dating:  We proceeded to go out several times, including a breakfast first date, however, she was a single mom, and did not have much family around her, nor very many babysitters, so it was hard for her to get out.  I had three evening dates with her, many lunches, and many sexual rendezvous on her work days when she was working from home.  Sex was good.   I would always make the plans and surprise her (a very alpha move), but I was beta hooked.  I was developing oneitis.  After a month and a half, she insisted I meet her daughter.  She met my kids.  It was moving fast.  Too fast. 

Epiphany:  She met my family.  Our kids met each other.  I was realizing this speed was problematic.  It was when we started the family outings on weekends I had my kids that I started to realize this was moving at a break neck speed and needed to slow or stop.  She kept saying everything about me was amazing.  Sex with me was “incredible”, she said.  She “cared for me”.  She insisted on spending time with my family, especially during Thanksgiving.  Never once did she say “ILY” (I love you), but I figured it was coming.

Then, after a more stressing family outing, she started to distance herself. 

Aside:  I have noticed in a few of my relationships, especially ones with women who have hit their wall (34-41), that these women have a 90 day trial with any new man.  If they don’t like where the relationship is headed, I have observed that just before 3 months, they start to become distant and make plans for an exit.  I cannot tell you if this happens to other women under these ages, but I would love input if it does. 

Finale:  With the speed of this relationship finally ramping down (because we both saw the signs), I decided to make a decision.  All the plans we made for the future were vanishing one by one, as we both started to reign it in.  Potential vacations cancelled, kids activities where we wanted to attend were dropped, and finally, on a cold Thursday morning, I called to tell her that we needed a break.  She sobbed, but understood.  After a weekend of no contact (that’s the rule, dammit), she emailed me back a long, drawn out email saying that I was too “alpha” for her.  I was dictating the terms (which I wasn’t), but my feeling is it was a cop out for her to go back to her “beta” provider boyfriend before me.  She said she was an alpha also.  She wasn’t.  She had other irons in the fire.

A short email was sent by her after that, ending it.

Retrospective:   So what happened?  I now know.  And it wasn’t good on my part.  Not at all.  Let’s just put it this way, it should have never moved past casual dating, but I let it.  I wish I would’ve been too “alpha”, but I wasn’t.  Not even close.  Let’s look at the tape.

Credit:  SocialMettle

Alpha parts of the relationship: 
1.  I never texted first.  She would always text me first, and on only two occasions do I remember texting her first.
2.  I led.  Or at least tried to.  On most occasions, I made the plans, I picked the places, I kept her on her toes.  I kept the surprises coming.  She would make plans occasionally, and I went along, but this was one of her major gripes as she felt she didn’t have a say in our relationship.  She did.
3.  Eye contact.  I kept it all the time with her.  I made sure she knew I was there with my eyes.
4.  Honesty.  I made sure I was up front all the time.  At this point in my life, lying is pointless and time consuming.
5.  I cut it off.  After seeing the writing on the wall, I got out while I could.  This was the best decision I could have made in this situation.

Beta parts of the relationship:
1.  Oneitis.  I got it, I fell for her.  No way around it.  We went too fast, and I let it happen. 
2.  Thirst.  I would go out of my way to go to her place (40 minutes away) to have sex. 
3.  Weakness.  Even though she texted first, I texted back almost immediately. 
4.  Preserve at all costs.  Even at the end, I was kidding myself about wanting her in my life.  It shouldn’t have even been close.  This plane shouldn’t have even got off the ground.
5.  Frame.  What frame I had, I lost.  Frame is very fluid, and in my attempt to try and get it back, I put her off. 
6.  Other plates.  Number 1 part of plate theory is spinning other plates.  I didn’t have this back up plan active.  And it cost me.

Culmination:  So what did I learn?
I learned how quickly I was ready to lose frame over an HB7. 
I learned I have to stop the beta oneitis.  It’s not healthy for me or my interest. 
I learned that I don’t benefit from thirst, especially when I have options closer to my immediate area. 
I learned that I have been programmed to commit quickly because of something that looks potentially outstanding, but just pulled back from the brink in time. 
I learned that I need to make myself less accessible, regardless if I really like the woman.  You must maintain frame at all costs, or it’s over.
I learned that it’s never as good as it looks. 

And most of all, I learned that I have much more to learn. 

So there it is.  My last relationship under the microscope.  It was brutal, and I have a ways to go to attain what I want.  An LTR (long term relationship) with my frame as the primary.  So where do I go next?

I keep learning.  I keep reading.  I keep studying.  I keep writing.  I keep analyzing.  And most of all, I keep approaching.  I’m not going to get better by not doing the work.  

So keep your chins up, guys.  It’s going to get better.  Just let my self analysis show you what to do and not to do, so my loss is your gain. 

Never stop learning.

Why Do This?

Throughout my red pill journey, questions inevitably come up when I’m talking with friends, family, and men I’m trying to reach about why I decided to do this whole thing.

There is an inherent risk to what I am doing, as it completely flies in the face of everything I was taught, as well as it’s not exactly politically correct to believe certain aspects of the Red Pill.

One thing I stress as a RP aware blogger is the conditions that I describe that happened to me are not unique to my situation.  I speak about my experience with certain women because what has been described at length in the manosphere HAS happened to me.

The RP narrative hits close to home for me because of the women I’ve been with.  But this certainly doesn’t apply to all women, as dealing in generalities is a dangerous game that I won’t play. 

As I type this, I’m constantly bombarded with articles citing the RP as a misogynistic practice put forth by losers who have an axe to grind with women they were dumped by, who they couldn’t ask out, or who cheated on them.  They claim that the manosphere is rife with basement dwelling keyboard jockeys who couldn’t get laid, much less get a woman to notice them.  They claim that the RP gives men unlimited reasons to trash women, complain about not getting laid, contemplate violent thoughts, and other horrible issues that RP is sometimes attached to.

However, this is not the red pill I know.  This is sects of crazies dedicated to perverting red pill truths into their own distorted reality.  There is blame of women for their lot in life.  These are the incels.  This is misogyny.  This is anger.  These are men who need help.  

I wish to pursue a more blatant definition of the red pill, that of positive masculinity.  A man must take responsibility for himself, his circumstances, and make the best choice available.  A man must constantly work to improve himself, not only for him, but for those who rely on him.  A man must be a father, to support his children in a positive role, helping to raise them to become well adjusted adults.

As many studies have shown, a strong, masculine presence is essential to raising a well adjusted child.  Men need to grow up and take responsibility for their choices, which in many situations they don’t.  I can’t tell you the amount of dead beat dads that I know of, who ran off to whatever they were after, only to leave their kids and significant other in need of that masculine presence.  A man needs to lead, not cut and run.  We as men need to take the reins back and show people how amazing dads are, and continue to raise the next generation to know how to be a successful husband and father.  

There are many more areas a man can take more responsibility.  A man can take care of his own birth control.  Wearing a condom not only prevents sexually transmitted diseases, but it also prevents unwanted pregnancies, as well as showing a woman you’re in control of your body.  Men need to take a greater role in birth control.

I love women.  Femininity is an amazing thing that I absolutely adore.   That being said, there are many women out there that fit the red pill narrative to a tee.  Helping men to recognize these signs and what they can do to maximize their efforts with women in their lives is only going to strengthen the bonds between both sexes.  Some women won’t say no to a better man, especially one who exhibits more alpha tendencies.  And studies do show that women do prefer aggressive, alpha based males over their counterparts.  The dads or cads allure is real (also known in the manosphere as “Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks”).  Alpha males, in my opinion, are real, or at least their most attractive tendencies are.

Also, there is a concerted effort by crazy feminists to destroy men.  They do want equality, they want a gender war.  I’m not only staunchly against misogyny, but the natural lean of some fringe feminists is to spread misandry, which is just as bad as misogyny.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  Men and women are equal, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t different.  Both sexes have strengths and weaknesses.  And yes, I do believe in traditional gender roles.  But the fight against the traditional gender roles can go too far sometimes.

We can’t even have a Christmas song

Source:  Craig James, The Family Alpha

Why do I do this?

Men need to be men again.

Why do I do this?

I want to share my experiences with other men to help them become better.

Why do I do this?

Because men are being portrayed as expendable, and we aren’t even the majority sex on this planet.

Why do I do this?

Because men are reaching out in their loveless marriages to me, and asking me what they can do to be with their wives intimately again.

Why do I do this?

Because sex is one of the most important things in a relationship for men. And any man that tells you different doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  As Rollo Tomassi states, “Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.”

But the most important reason is a lesson to all men.  A lesson a friend of mine learned first hand, and a lesson I won’t forget:

I had a very good friend from college some 20 years ago whom I kept in touch with.  He was a great dad, great husband, and was as I was, a blue pill beta.  He married his wife after they met in college, and she was his one and only sexual partner.  We grew apart, as some friends do, but I always made it a point to at least call him once or twice a year to see how he was.  His kids were just a bit older than mine, and we’d talk about our lives.  

One night, he reached out to me when I was still married, and was concerned about his marriage.  He and his wife had not had sex in over a year, and there he was, in a loveless marriage.  He was out of shape, working a job he hated, and concerned that something had happened.  I simply told him, in my blue pill state at that time, that “everything will work out.  Just be yourself.  Go to counseling with your wife if you think there’s a problem.”  

After that conversation, I didn’t talk to him much anymore.  After some sporadic conversations about two months later, I lost touch with him.  It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that his name came up again, this time, for something that shocked me as a man to the core.

I had a chance to catch up with a mutual friend at a bar.  I asked how my friend was, and she replied very solemnly.  

Turns out, my friend had attempted counseling with his wife.  They went for a few sessions, but she abruptly stopped going.  One day, she approached him with the news.  She had been cheating on him for over 2 years with a guy she met at work.    She said she didn’t love him anymore, and he was devastated.  He had done everything by the book and had wasted his life on a woman who didn’t love or respect him.  And all because he was doing what society said he was supposed to do. 

As our mutual friend spoke, her voice cracked.  “He committed suicide just three months after he found out.  It was heartbreaking.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I was speechless.  

This story speaks to all men.  It spoke to me, and it and other stories like it drive me to make men better for themselves.  I can’t save those who we’ve lost, but I can try to prevent this from happening again.


Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  I need to do what I can to help remember those like my friend, who had his whole life ahead of him, but was never unplugged to live life for himself.  I can’t save him anymore, but I can save myself, and I can save other men.

I can attempt to push back, from our terribly unfair family court system in the US to cataloging my attempts to learn game, from chronicling my life as a father to my constant state of learning about interpersonal relationships between men and women, but my wish is to inform.

To sum it up, Chris Rock recently released a comedy special that has a controversial quote, but one I tend to believe in to some extent.  It certainly drives home some points of the blue pill world I experienced:

I want my life to be a blueprint for how to be a red pill man.  I want to raise my kids with a strong, masculine presence.  I want to be the best version of myself I can be.  

And now, you know why I do this.  

Personal Responsibility

Credit:  New York Post
As I sit down to write this blog post, several things in my life are getting me thinking about personal responsibility, a concept I whole-heartedly support for everyone.  I consider myself very conservative, and one man’s life is entirely in his hands, and his actions or lack thereof can directly affect his lot in life.  Maturity is essential when a person accepts those situations where they have no control, and makes the most of the situations that they do.
So as a single father, business owner, and Red Pill aware male, personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my belief system.  I am responsible for two children, a business, my employees, a household, and my own person.  Needless to say, I could not attribute my success to anything but hard work, foresight, tireless planning, and self-discipline.  But I wasn’t always this way…
There are some of you out there reading this that have had a rough go and blame your lot in life on outside forces.  Some mysterious force, out of your control, that continues to deny you of what is rightfully yours, holding you back against your inevitable triumph.  This is all bullshit.
There’s been an incredibly disturbing trend in modern Western society where victim hood has become all the rage.  With nanny state governments, victim hood peddlers, and virtue signalers becoming more and more commonplace, the personal responsibility mantra has taken a hit.  No one wants to be responsible, because it implies consequences.  Fear and consequences are the biggest obstacles to overcome, because some humans (while debatable, yes) are naturally inclined to avoid conflict.  No one wants to be at the target when the shit hits, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to back down. 
You become a better person when the buck stops with you.
I don’t take this responsibility lightly.  People count on me everyday.  My kids depend on me to hold a job, provide food, shelter, clothing, school supplies, and all other necessities needed to grow up in a stable environment.  My employees depend on my expertise, resolve, decision making, and ability to lead to maintain the business so they can provide for their families and live a good life.  They depend on me to do my job so they may earn a livelihood.  My household depends on me to maintain cleanliness, upkeep, and repair.  My own person needs a good diet, exercise, and sleep.  
Personal responsibility is an important first step in the foundation of a greater life.  As you build, more things are drawn to you, you become more successful, you become more reliable, and you will accomplish more of what you want.  Also, when your starting out in your career, having reliability and self discipline (on time, work smart, dependability, ambition) will get you far, and these traits are the basis of a good personal responsibility belief.  
When dating, this responsibility manifests itself into a good physique and confidence to attract, as well as solid personal beliefs that don’t sway when confronted with women who engage emotionally.  
This belief system will be a natural filter for woman whom don’t fit your views, and will add to the effectiveness of “spinning plates” (h/t Rollo Tomassi) when you are dating many different types of women.  Don’t be the beta loser, contemplating your lot in life instead of getting off your ass and making things happen.  You’ll see your prospects dwindle with this outlook.
When in a LTR (Long term relationship), your own personal responsibility allows you to take on the natural gender role of leader, putting any relationship roles the woman doesn’t need to take to rest.  You are the man, act like it.  With a solid foundation of you taking care of you, everything will build off of that, and your relationship will be much stronger (and last longer, if you desire) with your self-reliance and personal responsibility leading the way. 
When you take responsibility for your actions, words, and desires, you will inevitably piss off people.  This is a fear most have as the desire for inclusiveness and acceptance is a human mantra that’s existed for many millennia.   But you can still have those things, as a natural belief in yourself, your thoughts, your dreams, and your actions, will piss off the RIGHT people.  If people are turned off by your persona and beliefs, they will go away, and those people that compliment your existence will be attracted to you.  
So where to start?  Start with you.  Stand up for your beliefs, even in the face of criticism.  Stop apologizing for your views.  Own it.  People will garner much more respect for you when you own your beliefs, your actions, and your words.  But be prepared.  Folks will be critical, they will ridicule, sometimes, as my anonymous brothers have found out,  there will be threats of physical violence.  But stand tall against the fierce wind.  Your beliefs will always be yours, and no one can take that from you.