Relationship Post Mortem

While my blog tends to cover the same ground as other Red Pill bloggers in terms of what I’ve already learned, I am trying to make a conscious effort to also show that I am still learning what it means to be Red Pill.  When I reference any of these writers whom have inspired me, I try to show how the information affected me, as well as how good the information is in general for any man looking to unplug.

But what happens with that information when I try to apply it to my life? 

One thing that I am learning to do now as an over 40 aware man that I never did before in my 20’s or 30’s is to analyze myself in how I am doing in my life.  This includes my personal goals, my fitness goals, my goals learning game, and my relationship goals.  Self actualization and analysis used to be something I thought was an absolute waste of time, and being plugged in, why wouldn’t I think that?

But emerging into this new Red Pill world, writing down and recording my goals and how to achieve them, and critiquing and then analyzing my behavior in a relationship or during an approach can yield massive amounts of information to help assist me in doing better next time. 

One of the things I want to share in this blog, upcoming podcast, and videos, is how a man in my position deals with these challenges.  I want you to see my progress, because many of you don’t know where to start, how to proceed, and what to analyze.  I want you to read, listen, and watch me, because deep down if I can help one man get through the same issues I have, then I’m doing what I set out to do. 

In my interactions with women, I’m trying to learn the ways of the Red Pill, and not just in the realm of pickup.  I also am trying to analyze my relationships with women, both past and current, to see where I can be better.  So, in the spirit of this experimentation, I am going to publish a post mortem of a relationship that ended for me just recently. 

To begin, let me say that I fell into some major beta traps in this relationship.  I can freely admit I screwed up, and making that statement is hard enough for a man who just broke up with his girlfriend.  But there were also major strides made.  As a blue pill, especially in past relationships, it would have never come to me to think of questions as I analyze my actions. 

I’ll now go through some of the words buzzing through my mind as I start my post mortem, then describe what happened, and throw in details of what I feel I could’ve done.  And yes, I expect many of you will be shaking your heads until your neck hurts.  It’s an honest approach from me, and I made many mistakes on this.

Background:  I met this particular girl at a mutual friend’s party, and while I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything long term, we hit it off.  She was a year younger than me.  She approached me as I was talking to another friend, and we began to talk.  She was an HB 7, and in good shape.  I asked for her number, she gave it, and asked her out via text.  She accepted, only after calling our mutual friends to make sure I wasn’t trying to just bed her and move on.  I replied with, “Whatever happens, happens.”  Also, a very big red flag came up that I ignored.  She had just broke up with her boyfriend of two years the same day we met.

Dating:  We proceeded to go out several times, including a breakfast first date, however, she was a single mom, and did not have much family around her, nor very many babysitters, so it was hard for her to get out.  I had three evening dates with her, many lunches, and many sexual rendezvous on her work days when she was working from home.  Sex was good.   I would always make the plans and surprise her (a very alpha move), but I was beta hooked.  I was developing oneitis.  After a month and a half, she insisted I meet her daughter.  She met my kids.  It was moving fast.  Too fast. 

Epiphany:  She met my family.  Our kids met each other.  I was realizing this speed was problematic.  It was when we started the family outings on weekends I had my kids that I started to realize this was moving at a break neck speed and needed to slow or stop.  She kept saying everything about me was amazing.  Sex with me was “incredible”, she said.  She “cared for me”.  She insisted on spending time with my family, especially during Thanksgiving.  Never once did she say “ILY” (I love you), but I figured it was coming.

Then, after a more stressing family outing, she started to distance herself. 

Aside:  I have noticed in a few of my relationships, especially ones with women who have hit their wall (34-41), that these women have a 90 day trial with any new man.  If they don’t like where the relationship is headed, I have observed that just before 3 months, they start to become distant and make plans for an exit.  I cannot tell you if this happens to other women under these ages, but I would love input if it does. 

Finale:  With the speed of this relationship finally ramping down (because we both saw the signs), I decided to make a decision.  All the plans we made for the future were vanishing one by one, as we both started to reign it in.  Potential vacations cancelled, kids activities where we wanted to attend were dropped, and finally, on a cold Thursday morning, I called to tell her that we needed a break.  She sobbed, but understood.  After a weekend of no contact (that’s the rule, dammit), she emailed me back a long, drawn out email saying that I was too “alpha” for her.  I was dictating the terms (which I wasn’t), but my feeling is it was a cop out for her to go back to her “beta” provider boyfriend before me.  She said she was an alpha also.  She wasn’t.  She had other irons in the fire.

A short email was sent by her after that, ending it.

Retrospective:   So what happened?  I now know.  And it wasn’t good on my part.  Not at all.  Let’s just put it this way, it should have never moved past casual dating, but I let it.  I wish I would’ve been too “alpha”, but I wasn’t.  Not even close.  Let’s look at the tape.

Credit:  SocialMettle

Alpha parts of the relationship: 
1.  I never texted first.  She would always text me first, and on only two occasions do I remember texting her first.
2.  I led.  Or at least tried to.  On most occasions, I made the plans, I picked the places, I kept her on her toes.  I kept the surprises coming.  She would make plans occasionally, and I went along, but this was one of her major gripes as she felt she didn’t have a say in our relationship.  She did.
3.  Eye contact.  I kept it all the time with her.  I made sure she knew I was there with my eyes.
4.  Honesty.  I made sure I was up front all the time.  At this point in my life, lying is pointless and time consuming.
5.  I cut it off.  After seeing the writing on the wall, I got out while I could.  This was the best decision I could have made in this situation.

Beta parts of the relationship:
1.  Oneitis.  I got it, I fell for her.  No way around it.  We went too fast, and I let it happen. 
2.  Thirst.  I would go out of my way to go to her place (40 minutes away) to have sex. 
3.  Weakness.  Even though she texted first, I texted back almost immediately. 
4.  Preserve at all costs.  Even at the end, I was kidding myself about wanting her in my life.  It shouldn’t have even been close.  This plane shouldn’t have even got off the ground.
5.  Frame.  What frame I had, I lost.  Frame is very fluid, and in my attempt to try and get it back, I put her off. 
6.  Other plates.  Number 1 part of plate theory is spinning other plates.  I didn’t have this back up plan active.  And it cost me.

Culmination:  So what did I learn?
I learned how quickly I was ready to lose frame over an HB7. 
I learned I have to stop the beta oneitis.  It’s not healthy for me or my interest. 
I learned that I don’t benefit from thirst, especially when I have options closer to my immediate area. 
I learned that I have been programmed to commit quickly because of something that looks potentially outstanding, but just pulled back from the brink in time. 
I learned that I need to make myself less accessible, regardless if I really like the woman.  You must maintain frame at all costs, or it’s over.
I learned that it’s never as good as it looks. 

And most of all, I learned that I have much more to learn. 

So there it is.  My last relationship under the microscope.  It was brutal, and I have a ways to go to attain what I want.  An LTR (long term relationship) with my frame as the primary.  So where do I go next?

I keep learning.  I keep reading.  I keep studying.  I keep writing.  I keep analyzing.  And most of all, I keep approaching.  I’m not going to get better by not doing the work.  

So keep your chins up, guys.  It’s going to get better.  Just let my self analysis show you what to do and not to do, so my loss is your gain. 

Never stop learning.

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