Men In Divorce

Source:  Armistead

This is Part 1 of my “Men In” series:

Marriage.  Man and woman, joined as one in the eyes of God.  In sickness and in health, ’til death do them part.    This was the way it was supposed to be.  Find a good woman, settle down, have kids, white picket fence, 50 year marriage.  
My, how times have changed.
Divorce rates, although down, are still hovering around 50% in the US.  Divorce is big business, funding family law offices, and financially stifling those unfortunate enough to be caught in it.  So what are the basics on divorce?
Divorce is a state level jurisdiction, which means the Federal Government never usually gets involved (it has only ever gotten involved in child support).  Almost all states have a form of what’s called a no-fault divorce system, which means one party can file for divorce at any time.  There used to be a “fault” divorce, premised on reasons for the divorce (abuse, adultery, etc.), but now it’s not really about the reason, it’s about the divorce.  There are really two main ways a divorce can go monetarily, and it depends on what state you got married in.
The first is called a “communal property” state, which splits the divorcing couples assets 50/50.  This is what Jeff Bezos will be going through in Washington.  There are other states that do what’s called an “equitable distribution”.  These laws take into account to what the state thinks each person is worth in the divorce.  It’s a misnomer as “equitable distribution” is not equal, it’s what’s “fair” as deemed by the state. 
As you can see, marriage has become less and less about love and companionship, and is exclusively a business transaction.  When the government became involved, the decline of marriage became inevitable, especially today, where family law, still antiquated and not updated in almost 40 years, savages people financially. 
I’m writing today to talk about men in divorce, and not just men, but men who actually take responsibility.  In many cases, these men are punished more than men who shirk their responsibilities.  Family law is so backwards these days, there are many examples of men being arrested for not paying child support for a child that isn’t even his.  Men can spend years in jail for being unable to pay alimony.  Custody of kids is skewed towards the woman, as men only received custody is 10-15% of cases.    
Men are hit harder by divorce.  Men are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts after divorce.  Men don’t have the social network that women have.  Men are the hopeless romantics.  Even in my personal experience of divorce, even when I initiated, I was devastated.  It was the most difficult time of my life, because I thought my marriage defined me.  It’s a blue pill norm that I couldn’t handle.  I’d lost myself.
 
However, my divorce was not typical.  It flew in the face of a lot of the norms, and I can confidently say that my divorce was very smooth.  I filed against my ex, and, by acting like mature adults, we had very little issue with the process.  We agreed on everything in principle, and with my job, I was lucky to be able to afford what was thrown at me.  We went through mediation, and never went to court.  My feeling was the money I was spending on lawyers could be better used by my kids.   
Child support in my state is figured with two factors in mind.  First, and most important, is time spent with the child.  The second, lesser figure, is income.  There are some states that factor income over time spent with the child, but the big picture for any state court is the child’s well being.  “Well being” is a broad definition in family court, so whatever the judge decides, is the law.
But for every example you give of a “deadbeat dad”, I can give you examples of men, who just want to be in their child’s lives, being victimized by a woman who knows there are times you can exploit the system, and it brings horrible tragedies to families already going through tough times.  While fathers not paying for their children is still a major problem, and with men still cheating more than women, family law has yet to address these new problems.  
The system is weaponized over hurt feelings.  This has to change.

“He’s Going to Pay for What He Did To Me.”

Women initiate divorce 69% of the time, according to a recent study by Stanford University.  The reasons are many behind the study, however, the study also recognizes that women have an easier time after divorce, because divorce, for many, is good for women.  Men who make more than their spouses have much more to lose.  With states that provide alimony, women have a base for which to grow economically, while men finance their endeavors, with jail time hovering over them if they don’t provide “an income for which she was accustomed to”.  The playing field is rigged much of the time, with the State becoming the de facto third parent, dolling out justice to those it feels have wronged the other party.  But it takes two to tango, and while we weep for those that feel they were wronged, both parties need to examine why divorces occur and if we need to re-examine the entire concept of marriage, much less why we get married in the first place.
With all the talk of gender equality, no where is gender more proportionally misrepresented than in the family courts.  We need to update family law, so all sides are more equitably represented and protected.  I’m all for women making more money than men, because then family law will have to contend with the fallout of traditional gender roles in marriage.  When you apply gender dynamics of the early 50’s to today’s family law decisions, it makes judge’s decisions that much easier (men work, women stay home).  But as we all know, it’s changed, and the system is hurting those it was designed to help.
As a man who constantly discusses divorce and what not to do, I always say that, especially in states without alimony, it’s child support, not spouse support.  I make sure to support my kids in every way possible.  I see fathers everyday who do the same thing, but are punished by a ex who uses the system to their advantage.  For every man cheating on his spouse, I have examples everyday of a woman cheating on her husband, claiming abuse where there wasn’t any, and ruining his life simply because she can, with the state as a willing accomplice. 
I have been soured on marriage.  I recommend to all of my readers to not get married.  Not even prenuptial agreements are safe for you.  Until you understand the consequences of marriage, you have to make sure you’re protected.  Always err on the side of caution, especially if you don’t know the whole story.
I lead with a story on divorce because when it all boils down, marriage and love are secondary to the very real effects that divorce has on a man’s life.  
If, and that’s a very big “if”, I get remarried, it will be with the express understanding of both parties of financial consequences and fallout from divorce.  It’s not about love anymore. 

Leagues

Photo Credit:  Elle Magazine / “Knocked Up”
As the new year is upon us, I have taken some time off to get my mind right, as well as get ready for my upcoming podcast.  However, I wanted to fire off a quick blog post, discussing something that I had mentioned on my twitter feed, and a topic that has been discussed at length in the manosphere.
Also, the topic of today’s blog, that of “leagues”, was the center of a heated debate among my family during the holiday break.  As my last relationship ended, many in my circle were very supportive of me, but the questions arose about the “type” of woman I was looking for.  
Was I “aiming too high”?  Convinced that I was not “being realistic” about the type of women I “needed” to start looking at?  Were they “out of my league”?
This begs the question, “What are leagues and how do they work?”
No doubt you’ve heard the expression, “She’s out of your league.”  It’s an expression that basically equates to a girl being too attractive for certain class of guys.   The HB Scale, which I’ve talked about on here briefly, show’s where a woman lands on a man’s scale of attractiveness.  Women obviously have a way to gauge a man’s attractiveness, and as looks, personality, and game go, they are very important in the world.  There’s no getting around it.
But what makes leagues so important is that thanks to hypergamy and the feminine imperative (FI), they have been implemented to have men pre-qualify themselves before even approaching a woman.  The simple statement of “she’s out of your league” tells a man to not even try to approach an HB 8-9 because he’s been convinced the best he can ever get is a 6 or 7.
Credit:  Sunny Street / Max Garcia
This is done on purpose.  The reason you see many of the memes and comics today of women at the office dismissing (or even reporting) a unattractive beta male who compliments her versus a hot alpha who compliments her and she’s in bed with that same night, is because of hypergamy, and the use of leagues (hence the double standard).  
Men are naturally polygamous, women are naturally hypergamous.  This makes the use of leagues as just another buffer for women to get the best possible mate.  There are always exceptions to these rules, of course, but human nature doesn’t lie.
So what does this mean?  It means the sooner you know a woman’s true nature (red pill), the sooner you can understand that one of the many ways women pre-screen their male choices is by creating the “league”.  As Rollo and Michelangelo stated, “it’s not that you aim too high and miss, it’s that you aim too low and succeed.”
The bottom line:  As soon as you realize that leagues are an invention to dismiss your worth to a woman, the sooner you realize that you can have any woman you want.  Any woman.
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. Michelangelo
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/michelangelo_108779

 

Know Your Worth and Increase It

Of course, Rollo has a great deal to speak about leagues, but I bring this up because of what happened to me personally.  As I have been dating quite a bit, I have bumped up against this use by some women of the “out of your league”, but I’ve never really spoke about it until the debate with some of my family over the holiday.
As the topic came up, it dealt with the class of woman that I have been dating, or attempting to date.  A comment was made that I need to “stay in my lane” in terms of women, by my ex-wife as it turned out (I am still very good friends with her).  Her ideas of the type of woman I would date were out of whack, as well as funded in fantasy.  My last relationship was with an HB 7-8, and this surprised certain members of my family.  But you can see the underlying codex, that of leagues, permeates the fabric of dating life.  
It shows you just how much the FI affects the world in pursuit of their goals.
The statements made were mostly about the type of girl I should be looking for, rather than the type of girl I want.  And while I understand the concern of my family as they feel like I’ll be let down but thinking I can have any woman, I can also attest to the fact that I won’t disqualify myself without giving it a shot.  And Wayne Gretsky stated, “We miss 100% of the shots we don’t take.”  But my success with women has increased a ton just by throwing off what I am “supposed” to do and not “staying in my lane.”
But this realization also comes with a side of cold, hard truths.  Knowing what you know about leagues still won’t get you into bed with an HB9.  And bagging such a woman should not be your primary goal. 

You need to work.  Work on yourself.  Work on your physique, work on your game, work on you.  You’ll find that if your self improvement is primary goal, the secondary goals will start becoming easier, especially when gaming women.  Nothing substitutes for hard work.  When you up yourself, you make the percentages of success that much more attainable.

Women are people, just like you and I.  They are nothing special, and those that think they are delude themselves and their followers.  The more you approach women, the more comfortable you get with it.  The notion of a league is an invented nonsense.  The sooner you realize that, the better.
So, as you go into this new year, remove another imagined barrier between yourself and the girls you want.   
There is no such thing as a league.