I’ve received many questions in the past few months from men who are in the midst of a personal shift, or a “life crisis” as they say, when they are faced with a woman they are either in a relationship with, or are married to, and she has initiated a breakup with them.
What goes through their heads? Well, if you are in the majority of men that this particular scenario happens to, you will have several thoughts.
“Why is this happening?”
“Is she cheating on me?”
“What did I do wrong?”
And finally, and most importantly…
“How can I get her back?”
Over the years, especially over the past 20 years, men have put themselves into the unenviable position of being the more reactive sex when it comes to women breaking up with them. 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
So these men are put on their heels, completely blindsided by a request from the woman they love, to leave what seems to be a “wonderful” marriage.
But every man that comes to me has the same issues. Their belief system of what they were raised on, what their convictions are, and what they’ve been sold by society was wrong, but they can’t let it go. They feel like there’s magic phrase or action they’ll utter to “get her back” and make the perfect marriage or relationship perfect again.
But chances are, it was never exemplary, and the comfort of this relationship made it “seem” ideal.
So, I can draw from my own experiences to tell you a story about this model life that is not model at all. It’s a sham, it’s a ploy, and it can be life shattering, or even worse for some guys, dangerous.
“It’s What You’re Supposed To Do”
In my life, I was told that I had to do certain things as a man. I needed to graduate high school, then college, buy a car, buy a house, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids, and live in a white picket fence life. I fell into the same grind that most guys do. I worked hard as I was younger, got a good paying job, nice car, house, then a girlfriend, and I got married.
As my life transitioned into marriage, I followed a similar pattern. I stopped working out, gained weight, watched more sports and porn (my ex ALLOWED me to pay for porn because sex with me was so bad), my sex life nearly stopped, and it became a mundane, common practice to work, come home, play with the kids, lip service to the wife, then beer, chips, and couch, followed by sleep.
This pattern played out over 10 years. Unhappiness followed in it’s wake, and my kids saw a man who was a shell of who he was. The wide eyed promise of a younger man had been destroyed by the lazy, fat, indifferent man who took his place.
Millions of men are going through this societal timeline, and are struggling or in denial about becoming a man they want to be. Most have given up, relying on social media and other distractions to get them through this boring life. They’ve forgotten to live, but they feel like their life is good, with a wife, kids, and the comfort of the 9-5 rigamarole. So they stay plugged in, because everyone around them, and their friends, are telling them that’s what they are doing. That’s how it’s “supposed to be.”
The Bottom Drops Out
In the midst of this life, something happens. One day, she comes to you, and she wants a divorce. Or you find out she’s cheating on you.
Devastation. This life you’ve been told that you had to build, the life that was promised to be easy and robotic, is now changed forever. She’s unhappy, and you can’t see why.
So with these men, now that this bombshell has been dropped, they frantically search for what could have happened, and what they could do to keep the world they knew together. They didn’t have a clue.
Most of these come off of 10-20 years marriages, where the assumption is that everything is good. Everything they were doing was the same as other men who are married. Their families and friends told them what they were doing was right. They followed the blue pill blueprint to the letter.
Why is this happening?
Now that they are questioning their lives, the natural question is: “How can I get her back?”
Some guys, who are in a reactive, unhinged state, will do anything to try to “win” her back. He will try to revert back to the time before marriage, going to workout, changing his life just to make it to the way it once was. He’ll bend over backwards, spend money, adjust his life to suit her. All in the cause to have that life again.
Some men, in the case of adultery by their spouse, will overlook that indiscretion in a vain attempt to hold on to their “perfect” life. Or they will even become polyandrous (or a cuck), allowing their wife to sleep with other men, in a desperate attempt to keep the life they’ve known together in some semblance of the order they were promised. But they MUST keep this life together, because if they don’t, they, as a man, cease to exist. The narrative they were taught would be untrue, and then what do they have?
Some men will make the ultimate choice and end their lives. Suicide rates by men are up to 70% of all suicides in the US. Men who followed the road map that society, their family and their friends promised as an unassailable truth of how to live their life is not correct. So rather than look for the truth, they’ll take their own lives, because this is not how it was “supposed to be.”
The Paradigm Shift
So, men who’ve asked, “How can you get her back?”
You can’t. Don’t try.
All of these success objects you were sold, men, were sold to you as a lie.
You’ve lived in a world where they have a design on how you’re supposed to be, and you’ve fallen for it, now you’re surrounded by the rubble of that “perfect life”. You have to now realize that this was never the ideal life for YOU. It was the life played out by society, family, and friends. YOU weren’t living your life, you were living someone else’s life.
So you need to rebuild, and the worst thing you can do is try to use the rubble of your past life to build a foundation to your new life.
That’s what trying to win back your ex is. It’s trying to rebuild a life from the tattered remains of your old life.
“But how can I get her back?”
YOU CAN’T GO BACK. DON’T TRY.
There’s a reason she left. There’s a reason she wants out. You left the car in park, hoping it would drive itself.
“What did I do to make her leave?” you ask.
I ask, “What did you do to make her stay?”
Men have been taught that their personal responsibility in relationships is just showing up, working a job, and doing the bare minimum. That line of thinking is quickly going away, because men are now seeing the poisonous fruits blooming from the seeds they’ve planted in the early stages of their “Comfort Marriages.”
You want to blame her for leaving you and your happy life.
I want to blame you for not giving her a reason to stay.
You’re mad because she cheated on you.
I’m mad because you gave her hundreds of reasons to cheat on you.
You’re now trying to fight for your wife, only after she realizes that she’s happier without you.
Where was this fight when you were married, on the recliner, watching Netflix?
Where was this fight when you were PornHubbing because your wife won’t touch you?
Where was this fight when she wanted to talk, and you zoned out?
Men in these predicaments are now realizing what they’ve done, and the lines they were sold are now not holding water. The shift is on.
When men now realize this, they can now empower themselves to make the most of their lives, including and now building (from scratch) their convictions, their purpose, and their new lives. They aren’t beholden to a societal view of life, they are beholden to themselves.
And that’s the new paradigm. And it continues to take a sledgehammer to the old, out of touch, societal paradigm of men in marriage. Men are waking up, but the fight continues everyday to get more men out.
But you can’t get her back. You can’t get your old life back. Accept this new reality, because it’s happening whether you want it to or not. She chose to leave you and what you considered the perfect life. It was far from perfect. Realize that, and move on to creating a new, better life for yourself.
But, if you try to get her back and ignore my advice, you will again be living someone else’s life. It won’t be the same. It will be a sham of a marriage, with her deciding the intimacy rules, initiating again with any man of her choosing, and you, lifeless, supporting her and the family, only because it was the “right” thing to do, to keep the marriage together.
You’re doing a disservice to yourself if you go back, if you BEG her to come back. Where’s your self respect? Where’s your backbone? It’s back where you left it, in the dream world you were promised, by folks who aren’t living YOUR life, but telling you how to live.
She’s not worth it, bro. Leave the past in the past.