Of A Certain Age

The manosphere, for lack of a better term, has become a driving force in helping men get control of their lives. From unplugging men, to fitness, to inter-gender communication, sex, relationships, philosophy, and all in between, I’ve seen many men get the help they need.

But as I’ve detailed in many past posts, when it comes to defining women and what a man needs to look for in one, the blacks and whites of the manosphere ideology come out.

In one of my most read blog posts, The Single Mom Dating Dilemma, parts of the manosphere pursue unapproachable extremes when it comes to the type of women you MUST have in your life.

Exaggerated at times, there are those who DEMAND you only date virgins in their early 20’s and as they age and the more the world pierces them, the lower quality they become.

The manosphere tends to skew to the ideological outliers when it comes to getting men to ONLY choose women who haven’t been “tainted” with promiscuity or feminism.

Single motherhood is frowned upon, even as I write in my own experiences that I’ve seen the opposite from good, upstanding single moms who I’ve dated.

But there are BAD single moms, but not all single moms are BAD.

There are BAD older women, but not all older women are BAD.

THAT’S the difference here.

My job, as I’ve tried to show, is to portray an accurate picture of the dating world and what I’ve found using inter-gender tropes, for the most part, has helped me avoid the bad women. But there are still too many guys who go to the same well when it comes to judging all women as bad if they fit into a certain category.

This particular blog will help to tackle one of the biggest tropes out there that, just like single motherhood, is trying to paint with a broad brush a picture of women that isn’t entirely true and has too much nuance to be so black and white.

Yep, the dreaded WALL.

Walls

The wall, coined in Rollo Tomassi’s excellent book, The Rational Male, is the point when a woman’s SMV (sexual market value) starts to decline. And depending on how a woman used her “party years”, her wall may come earlier than other women. As I call it, a woman who’s been “rode hard and put away wet” has a tendency to hit the wall much sooner than women who don’t.

SMV Chart – Credit “The Rational Male” by Rollo Tomassi

This chart, while valuable in it’s analysis of the analytics of gender sexual value, can be read to tell me to avoid older women, simply because of their age.

And the problem is, in most things, is that this is theory. Practice, generally, yields different results.

An example, men are told they generally should avoid older women. Why? The main driver? Procreation and attractiveness.

Men’s sole drive in sex is to reproduce. It’s what has been programmed into us over millennia. Our job is to procreate. That’s the bottom line.

And, as we know, women’s biological functions have an expiration date. As they get older, their ability to have kids falters. This is a fact.

And, younger women tend to be more attractive. As women age, they show it, that’s biology as well. As men age, we get more attractive. This is the way it’s set up and we can’t well argue with any of it.

I’m not here to disprove any aspect of Rollo’s or anyone else’s work, as I believe it’s valuable for giving men a picture of why SMV and inter-gender dynamics work. It’s a very needed piece of the manosphere because it raises men’s awareness of the biological differences between men and women.

But I want to show what I’ve found, dealing with these concepts on a daily basis in my dating life, and the realities of what happens when theories are placed against the real world.

The Woman You Want Depends On The Man You Are

The manosphere is right. If you are a man that wants to have kids, you should go with a younger woman.

And also, by the numbers, the younger the woman, the less she’s been exposed to heaux life and had multiple partners.

But, as I’ve said, many times, age does not correlate to hoedom, nor does the younger woman equate to the perfect wife.

Are we selling men on the mindless Stepford wives myth where they expect to field a virgin, early 20 year old who exists to only serve him?

Women are much more dynamic these days and with the advent of birth control and the Sexual Revolution, women have been exposed to decades of feminism and its ideals. You aren’t going to find the “untouched” nuggets save for a religiously isolated group or other such nonsense that hasn’t been hit by societal upheaval breaking towards feminism.

Here’s the deal: If I was looking to have more kids, I would choose a younger woman. But that wouldn’t be the only aspect that I would consider. I’m not dominant. I don’t want a submissive woman. I want a woman who’s strong enough on her own to match my dynamic.

But what happens if you are an older man who doesn’t want kids or already has them?

The majority of younger women I’ve dated (from 23 – 35) were fine, but they weren’t on my wavelength in terms of the maturity factor. It’s fine to date them, and I encourage men to date all ages of women to see what works for them, but in MY case, I have found that dating a woman closer to my own age (44) has been a good thing.

There are exceptions and grey areas all over the place for the wall.

What if a woman takes care of herself into her 40’s and is in better shape that she was earlier on?

What if a woman only has 1 or 2 sexual partners her whole life? (Yes guys, they do exist.)

I don’t want the manosphere to push a man to make a decision based on age alone, because while a young woman is wonderful to date, the age gap and maturity issues can be an issue. Try listening to Steely Dan’s “Hey 19” and you’ll understand.

I’m also not saying that older women harping on men for picking up younger women is right either. Men have a right to choose who gets to be in their life, and age should neither fast track nor disqualify any woman. If a man finds a woman younger than him, in many cases 15-20 years younger, good for him, that’s a personal choice that factors in many different things, including kids, that he has every right to take into account.

In a time where the personal preference of women for men has taken a back seat to broad-ranging narratives on how men should choose a potential mate, with age and single motherhood being primary disqualifiers, the bottom line is it’s ultimately up to the man to make those choices. They must make them being educated and well versed in all the pitfalls and benefits, as well as knowing who he is to help him weed out potential bad seeds and hoes.

Dating women who are younger or older isn’t a science, and each comes with its share of issues and benefits.

But pushing recently unplugged men into “and/or” narratives doesn’t educate him, it only forces him to not think for himself and use tired platitudes that some of the man pundits parrot nauseatingly often to a tune of group-think ideologies that the manosphere was created to get away from.

In general, stop saying “don’t date older women” or “don’t date single mothers” because men will treat both with disdain when many of them are perfectly fine and will enhance a man’s life.

Pointing out bad actors in a group by using a broad brush to paint with is what the manosphere is trying to get away from, because feminism paints us with the same broad brush. We’re “misogynists” even if we very clearly aren’t, because the heavy lifting needed to show that we are different is too hard for feminist elites to take.

It’s easier to demonize a whole group than think that maybe the ideologues in each group are whipping up resentment unfairly. And yes, I do the same thing when I reference feminism, but I’ve yet to meet a good feminist. 🙂

“If You Like Her, Date Her.”

Platitudes can be good, but they can also be cancerous.

The manosphere should prepare men by giving them the information they need to make an informed decision on what woman he should have in his life, not point out groups of women to avoid because the bad actors take all the headlines and overshadow the really good, solid women who are single mothers, older, and take care of themselves both physically and mentally.

There are women who didn’t succumb to the feminist narrative, living well into their 30’s and 40’s and taking on the challenges of being your “Ride or Die.” They are beautiful souls who don’t believe the crap, made good choices in their lives, and recognize that if they did make mistakes, they took responsibility for those mistakes.

A woman, regardless of age, who owns her situation, is a woman that is miles ahead of the feminist lapdogs who blame men and their perceived toxicity for everything that has befallen them.

Her age doesn’t matter if she enhances you in the right ways. If she’s loyal, supportive, sexy, attractive, funny, wise, and sharpens your steel so to speak, you, as the man, should be able to tell what works for you and doesn’t.

I’ve seen many a man follow the manosphere advice of no older women and fall into a trap of being with someone who doesn’t gel with him.

“But at least she’s young and attractive. Just because we don’t have a ton in common, doesn’t mean she’s not for me.”

She can be older and be just as hot. And her attitude, personality, maturity can be just as attractive to a man looking for just that.

If a younger woman works for you, go for it. But as a man, your job is to run your life, and if someone wants to be a part of that, you have to vet and make sure she has a place in it. Her job is to support you, be there for you, and have a connection that transcends everything else. A teammate to help you conquer the world, not just make babies with no other connections.

Gentlemen, regardless of age or single motherhood, it is ultimately on YOU to choose the right woman for you.

This is what the manosphere is trying to do. And certainly what I’m trying to do.

We educate you on the realities of dating, all while showing you the analytics of the world of women. It’s all valuable data that should help a man make a good choice in a partner.

We educate you to date around, have a good time in a responsible manner, and if you ever want to settle down, give you a basis for how to do that.

We educate you on the good and bad of women who are older. It’s a personal preference for many men, and most importantly, it’s not about their age but about their attitudes.

We educate you on choosing a woman based on age because if you want kids, an older woman will probably not be a good choice.

We educate you on dating around to see what preferences you like, and many men, especially in the manosphere, are dating or married to women close to their age with no issues at all.

It’s about finding a partner for your purpose.

Men, take it from me. There are a ton of sexy, attractive, intelligent, loyal, dynamic, nurturing, fit, and incredible women in their 40’s to date.

I should know, because I’m dating an amazing one.

Watching the Nuke

Photo Credit: wallpaperflare.com

Sometimes, it just fails. And that’s okay.

But fuck, it sucks watching it happen.

Many strong relationships that have stood the test of time in many cases, are starting to fray.

I’ve watched good friends get cheated on by their wives. I’ve watched good friends cheat on their wives. I’ve watched relationships that I was convinced would never fall apart collapse quicker than an old building.

This pandemic didn’t cause the relationships to fail, all it did was hasten the destruction already inflicted. And many people are choosing to destroy their relationships.

Yes, even my parents. 45 years of marriage, starting to buckle because of old age, health problems, and anxiety about the future and what it holds.

It’s taken it’s toll and I’ve had to watch it first hand.

Disheartening? Yes. Disappointing? Of course. But I won’t say it’s unexpected, nor will I say that I don’t know the eventual result.

It hurts more because I know the WHYS and HOWS of these happenings.

When you become red-pilled, you see shit you don’t want to see. You understand the truth of life and you have to grapple with the consequences of the knowledge you have. You have to understand that everyday, a nuke drops somewhere, and you can’t do anything to stop it. You watch it, make a note of how it happened, and try like hell to make sure it doesn’t happen to you or anyone you love.

Knowing versus Not Knowing

When I was married, I was naive to many of the issues I know now. And that’s problematic because the problems I was told were the issue versus the ones that really ARE the issue is a dangerous place to be.

Ignorance is bliss, it seems, until the knowledge hits you like a boxer in the first round.

So, as with my own marriage and the problems I didn’t see until it was too late, I had to learn the hard way. I had to go through intensive therapy in order to understand the issues in my marriage, so understand that most people who are married don’t have the intellectual cajones to even fathom the basics of why they are having issues in their marriages.

Married life, for me and millions of people, is walking with a blindfold on hoping you don’t hit something. People HOPE their love is enough and it will transcend all other problems. But when the problems become too big or if many hit at once, we see a once-proud institution buckle mightily because the marriage is only as strong as the people in it. And many people are showing weaknesses even before the vows are uttered.

So, in my experience, I was ignorant in the ways of what I needed to do and look for in my marriage and in my life in general. I was under the impression, especially with other relationships I observed around me, that being present was the only requirement for marriage. It wasn’t work, it was “OK, I found my significant other, time to put down the hammer and get fat and complacent. She loves me for me, so it’s no problem.”

And I acted like it. I did what I was supposed to do, not what I should have been doing. I did the bare minimum to make the marriage work, and low and behold, it failed in less than a decade.

And all because I didn’t bother to learn how it worked, I was just glad I found someone. And my ex was glad her biological clock was arrested and she had two kids. At that point, I was terrible with women and she was the first to say yes, and she had been in unfulfilling relationships with men who didn’t want to commit. So we weren’t a strong marriage, we were a means to an end.

And, as I got more educated through what I went through with my own divorce, it’s natural for me to see similar issues with other people’s relationships, especially those closest to me.

The wreck of my marriage, for all the bad things it brought, gave me the knowledge and foresight to be able to have a healthier relationship in the future, and that started with myself and becoming better.

That knowledge, whether I wanted it or not, is on full display with all the relationships I see with the people that are closest to me. I try to impart some of what I learned to the people who need it most.

But here’s the major issue with that….they either can’t or refuse to hear it.

And so, I become preachy and obnoxious to them because I try to tell them to avoid the mistakes I made. I become annoyed when I see things they are doing (or more often times NOT doing) and I have to say something, only to be pushed away and shown the door. My warnings don’t mean much when they won’t heed them. They see my life, not as a success story where I am finally happy and a well-rounded individual who’s taking responsibility for his life, but as a stain of single masculinity. “At least I’m not single” becomes the battle cry of people who lack the intestinal fortitude to make their lives better, citing fate and luck as the main catalysts of their marriage.

After trying to help and getting rebuffed, it’s time to watch the nuke.

Powerlessness Coupled with Understanding

Look, my experiences aren’t the way to go, I understand that. My advice is just that, advice. I’m not going to pretend I’m a relationship expert. And, quite frankly, some relationships are destined to fail. Hell, some relationships need to fail.

But it still doesn’t make watching them falter any more pleasant. I’ve had several friends whose marriages have failed this year alone who I’ve had to console or talk to in order to tell them that regardless of what I did say or do in order to warn them, I just couldn’t get through to them until the rubble settled.

Sometimes, the best advice you can give someone is no advice at all. Letting them fail, while difficult, is the best way for them to understand and learn from the mistakes they made.

It still sucks to watch it all go down. It still blows to have to witness the nuke, people you love and respect, watching their world crumble.

But, as I watch, there’s something I understand.

There’s only so much you can do as a person outside of the blast radius.

You can’t put yourself in their situation and steer away from the bridge.

Sometimes, they have to drive off the cliff in order to see what mistakes they made.

It’s why watching friends and family struggle in their hollow marriages is so difficult, but also a necessity. They need to understand that there may be a way to save their marriages, but it would involve behavioral adjustments and epiphanies they just won’t understand, let alone do.

THEY have to make the decision, they have to do the work, they have to see the issues. And more times than not, they don’t.

Look, I don’t want my parents to split up. I don’t want my friends to have this heartache of a cheating spouse. Their worlds are crumbling and the best I can do is to support them going through these difficult life experiences.

Because the bottom line is that is all I can do for them. Be there to listen, support, and try to help where I can.

This is a time they need a strong friend, son, brother, etc to help them make sense of what’s going on in their lives. You may very well know what’s happening with them because of your own experiences and telling them “I told you so” doesn’t do anything but piss them off and shit on their circumstances.

They need someone who can understand what they’re going through and point them in the right direction after the damage has been done.

Sometimes you just can’t save it. It sucks, but that’s how it is.

The nuke’s going to go off. You have to be there to help rebuild.

The Lost Art of the Dance

Photo Credit: Unsplash.com

“That is the way it is, we always fall in love because of a detail, a nuance. It is a marker we set up for ourselves in the midst of the confusion, in the infinite space of love. The greatest passions come from such little causes.”

― Georges Rodenbach, The Bells of Bruges

Wanna see how far we’ve fallen in the dating world? Simply look at online dating. It’s turned into a meat market with hookups as the end game for most people.

Here we see, many hopeless individuals, moving from encounter to encounter, thinking the next one will be the one they will finally be with.
Like an episode of Quantum Leap, they keep jumping from person to person, life to life, in hopes they’ll finally be able to say they can “settle down” and stop the merry-go-round.

The dinners, movies, activities that involve a quick interrogation, then potential sex if everyone is game, then ghosting after the sex wasn’t that good, the conversation dried up, the meaning, the skies parting, the light beaming down, all of it doesn’t happen.

And the trudging to the next good thing happens. And most of the time, it doesn’t happen.

Like a horrible game of musical chairs where the seats are covered in rusty nails, they force themselves to sit down because it’s better than not having a chair.

Technology has eliminated the whole point of dating, the dance. The push and pull, the subtlety, the slow burn that makes the sex, the climax, the anticipation of being with someone who’s weaved themselves into your mind.

The world is now about notches, being hot, and having as much sex as you can with no end in sight. And after 20 years of this, women and men, are still no closer to finding the person they want, because they pissed their chances away with a clear lack of dating direction.

“Dating is Hell”

Show me a person who hates to date, and I’ll show you someone who has never been on a REAL date. The nuance, the mystery, the dance has been removed for convenience’s sake, and the dating market has struggled with this very recently. With hook up apps, the dance of dating, the lost art of carrying a conversation, the subtlety of words and meanings meant to do a slow burn and build sexual tension has been replaced with swipe left or right, quick bios, and hit it and quit it.

Pick Up Artistry, which for years was a skill that few possessed but was honed and sharpened by constantly going up to people in public and talking to them, body language mastery, etc, has been replaced by the crapshoot shit show of technological convenience.

In short, everyone has stopped trying. Their physical appearance, their mental approach, their attitudes reflect people that don’t seem to care about meeting others. They put as little effort into themselves as they can, then write a glowing bio on a dating site and use filters to make themselves appear less unattractive, hoping that the person that swipes right for them is also just as uncaring about their own life, and they just fall in together in a depression laden relationship where they both get tired and one or both eventually cheat.

Depressing as fuck, isn’t it?

Because the end game is the relationship.

In the case of dating and interpersonal communications, it was never about the end game, the destination. The relationship was a goal, but you never stopped gaming your significant other. Now, people go through the hell of dating in order to get to the greater hell of a relationship with someone they have no business being with.

So with the glowing reviews of dating as being an introvert’s worst nightmare, and everyone claiming to be introverted, then FINALLY getting through it to be with SOMEONE, ANYONE, they have given up on something in life that should really be fulfilling, fun, and worthwhile.

No one wants to do the work it takes to be a good date anymore. No one wants to put in the time to focus on themselves, on being attractive, on being high quality, because they’d rather piss and moan and swipe, swipe, swipe. Because in the dating lottery, no one gets lucky, they just get frustrated, and they can’t see that they’re doing to themselves.

But also, the act, the dance, has been lost in all of this. COVID didn’t kill personal interactions, it only exposed what we’ve already known. No one wants to do the work, engage in the dating world, and have fun meeting new people.

If they treat it like a chore, then it is one.

Lost Arts

Conversation, words, nuance, body language, building intimacy, polarity, and tension in your interactions.

There’s a reason a woman touches her lip when she talks to you, sees you, and fantasizes about you. Because you have “primed the pump” so to speak with a mystery, an aloofness that only she can see.

The roles aren’t there, the masculine dances and leads the feminine, but now, everyone wants to get fucked.

It’s a mindless, soulless diversion that while can be fun, is generally not as fulfilling as dating and building that tension in a social setting.

The lost arts of interaction have taken their tolls on the dating world, only to be lost to the world, and seeing only the manosphere take up the banner on bringing it back. We need to continue to champion game, because it’s an important aspect in the dance of attraction.

But the dance scares men. Because it involves them being able to confidently interact with a woman. You must enchant her, you must be a mystery, you must build that tension, and men don’t know shit about how to do that. So they swipe, swipe, swipe.

This is why I will always be a proponent of game. The rise of petrified fear of rejection, lack of confidence, technological ease, and reduction of the societal importance of social gatherings continues to hound the dating world and we’re seeing the effects first hand.
You build the attraction. You have to master key interactions with women.

Body language mastery.

All of this is the dance.

The keys to seducing and building tension. Women love it, they just don’t say it out loud. They appreciate a man who works to keep her engaged, playfully using words, implying sexual nuance in daily conversations, and putting small, seductive thoughts in her head.

What men don’t realize is that you can utilize modern dating tech to enhance this ability, but we seldom do that.

Dating technology makes us lazy.

This is why the concepts that the manosphere teaches will never go out of style, regardless of how much technology tries to cancel it out.

The art of the dance, the tension built, the ebb and flow of flirtation, the push, and pull of the interaction, the game, will never go away.

Social interaction will always be an important skill that men need to continue to work on mastering. Your job is to build it and she will cum.

You lead the dance.

Women want to be taken, claimed. They want passion.

Women want to be seduced.

They want a man to make them dream of him and what he’s capable of.

They want a man to use her emotions to make her excited.

She wants exciting.

She wants you to assert your masculinity over her. Engulf her in it. Because she knows your strength. She knows your motives and lets herself go. She wants to fall for you and she wants you to catch her.

She wants to dance.

So learn to dance with her.

Sleep in the Fire

Photo Credit: Fireblast.com

It doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger.

If there’s one thing I would teach men, teach them early and often, teach them with endless examples, teach them with all my grey hairs, all the creaks of my body, all the sleep in my eyes waking up early to stand a post, all of it, it’s that it never ends.

Men were specifically built for the heavy lift of life. They were specifically built to be the line to guard and protect all he loves with his strength and never-ending vigilance against those that mean to take it.

You don’t sleep. You rest.

You don’t ever let your guard down, because if you do, everything that you’ve built can be blasted away.

You are the order in the chaos.

And this terrifies the fuck out of men these days.

When I tell you it’s going to all fall down, no one wants to play “Ring around the Rosie.”

Because the measure of a man is his ability to provide for himself and those he loves. And if he’s not doing that, then he’s not a man. We’re told this every day.

See the countless numbers on male suicides (7/10 suicides in the US are men) and the absolute state of masculinity as a service to the world.

Men are the livestock of the world, providing and not getting back. This is the true issue, but it’s not going to be solved anytime soon.

The bottom line that will never change is that men are success objects. And many of us, through feminization, have been told we can put down the burdens and let the women do it. But the women aren’t equipped to do it, they’re different. They can do it just fine, but that’s not their role.

Men are constantly expected to perform. And this is not a bad thing as we are built for exactly that, but somewhere, someone sold us the fact that we didn’t have to. We didn’t have to carry the burdens and we could fuck off in life and not hold the line. And that was the day it all changed.

“Sleep When You’re Dead.”

Men have to understand that the world is thankless, and the work we do is even more thankless.

You aren’t going to get a pat on the butt for a good job done every day. No one cares. You still have to get up and make the donuts. You still have to do what you do.

Which is what I do every day.

Since starting my own business 10 years ago, it’s become less about me and more about those that rely on me to provide them a livelihood. Now, 15 people rely on me to be upright and focused daily to make sure they have jobs.

Which means? I don’t sleep.

I just rest.

I can tell you for 22 years, and especially these last 10, the trucking industry and owning my own business doesn’t allow me much sleep. Sleeping sound isn’t happening, as I’m always concerned about what’s happening, challenges my business faces, and how I’m going to maintain keeping 15 people employed on a daily basis.

But keep in mind, if I’m not there, it doesn’t all go to shit. There are tons of qualified people that I employ that run the day to day very well, and my fellow owners are some of the best people to be in business with. But the peace of mind that comes to my employees and my fellow owners knowing that I’m always THERE, even if I’m not, and my mind is always THERE, is some of the most powerful support I can give them. They know that I won’t drop the ball, and if I do, it’s picked up quickly.

Even when they don’t need me, knowing that I’m here watching everything is a comforting blanket for all of my employees and they know that they don’t necessarily NEED me, but if there’s an issue, they know I’ll handle it.

There’s a certain pride knowing that you are steering the ship, making sure you’re avoiding storms, and fighting every day at the helm to make things better for everyone who counts on you.

But you constantly are on guard to protect those who count on you and those you love. You have created the bubbles they live in, and you have a responsibility to use all of your strength to maintain it.

Which means….

You have to get stronger, every day. The pain of growth makes you impervious to life. The pain of failure makes you aware of life’s pitfalls.

Both are useful in making you the best you can be so that you can more easily maintain your life and the lives of those who count on you.

But it still means you don’t sleep….you sleep in a fire. Constantly aware of issues affecting you and your business and navigating to avoid or surpass those problems.

Yes, you’re always on.

Harsh Reality is Better than Malleable Fantasy

People don’t want to experience bad stuff. But we have to in order to grow.

Men are playing scared. They’ve been told masculine traits are outdated. They have been told to be vulnerable. And while the vulnerability is certainly valid, it’s not good to consistently be that way. Men stand guard. Men hold the line. Men put the world on their backs and carry it.

Confrontation, tragedy, setbacks, failures, bumps in the road are all a part of it. You can’t get away from the way life goes, but you can determine how you’ll allow it to affect you, and that’s by forging yourself in the fires you sleep in. Always being sharp, prepared and ready for anything that will cause you issues in your life.

The world won’t stop. We want it to, we do. But it doesn’t. The sooner a man realizes this, the sooner he understands that he must always sleep with one eye open, to stand guard and protect, because the world doesn’t care about you. Life doesn’t take it easy until you tell it to.

So you want an easy life? Be prepared to live an uneventful one.

I’m not promising anything but tough love to men who come to me for advice.

I’m telling them if they want to be successful, they always have to be on.

I can’t put it any other way. Men want to be successful and that means that have to work. Depending on how smart you work and how you play your success determines how much you can let off the gas later in life.

But you NEVER can coast. Many men believe they can coast, sleep with no consequences, and wake up with no worries.

The good, easy life is a lie. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

Facing life with your chest out, getting stronger with every obstacle you overcome, until the obstacles aren’t obstacles anymore. Until the pain doesn’t hurt anymore. Sleep in that bed of fire, because you’ll wake up rested and stronger.

Remember, you don’t sleep, you rest.

You have to get up and fight every day, so fight stronger, fight knowing that there are those depending on you to be stronger, more invincible than you were the day before.

You want an easy life?

Then do what you’re doing. Don’t worry about anything. Clock in and clock out. Kiss the wife, play with the kids, go to bed, get fat, watch the clock tick away on a life with no legacy, no direction, no purpose, no mission.

The men that lead this charge are the same men who have regrets later in life and are chained to an uncaring wife, dead-end job, and die as soon as they retire.

Some want to watch the world die. The “enjoy the decline” crowd have every right to live their lives the way they see fit. But remember, they won’t understand that overcoming hardships is one of the truly amazing parts of a full life.

Making excuses for not overcoming becomes a punch line for those who will never be there, on the front lines, fighting every day to provide the world that the decliners enjoy.

Thankless? Sure.

Worth it? You tell me.

Times Like These

“In the fullness of time
A garden to nurture and protect”

  • Rush – “The Garden”

I won’t lie.

2020 has been an interesting year.

Needless to say, I’ve gotten a few more grey hairs in the luscious silk like fibers on my skull as the year has gone on, but here we are, winding it down.

I tweet out messages each day as to my mindset on that particular day and lately, my tolerance for bullshit has been at an all-time low.

It’s not been something that I’ve been aware of until I decided to read “4 Hour Work Week” by Tim Feriss.

Do you realize how much time you are wasting daily at work, at home, at other places, simply passing the time doing bullshit that is taking away from what you really are? Your passions are put on the back burner for trying to win an argument on your phone with a dipshit anon on Twitter.

The manosphere, and me in particular, rail against all of this time wasting because I finally realized, in 2020, that my time WAS being wasted big time, especially at work.

When COVID hit, most people cuddled up on the couch, stayed in their pajamas, drank 8 cups of coffee and binge-watched shows they would never watch under normal circumstances. They played video games until they won every single match and got all of the virtual hardware that came with being on the top of your game.

Most saw working from home as an opportunity to sit on their asses. Instead of realizing they had dreams they could now pursue with extra time, they logged into the company Zoom meeting, then logged out, then went back to bed. Their kids, realizing that an 8 hour school day was actually only 1 hour of true work, decided to do the same, as they were watching their parents drool into a cup as they checked out another episode of “Cake Boss”.

So, he we are 150 days after the initial 15 days to stop the spread, and many people haven’t done anything but get worse in their lives. Marriages are ending, nothing has gotten accomplished, and the urge to do something with their lives ended after day 2. Like the people who make New Year’s resolutions at the gym in January, then February 1st, all the newbies are gone, back to their comfy homes and lit screens to escape from a life they don’t want to live, nor do they want to do the work to change it.

It’s fucking depressing, but it’s the way it is.

Take Your Time Back

If you truly want to take your life back, the first thing you must do is do a personal audit of your time. Doesn’t matter where it starts, but you must take specific notes and analyze your day. Mine started at work. I was spending incredible amounts of time on emails and notes that anyone of my other employees could have done, except I chose to because reasons…

All the little shit took up too much of my time, so I decided to change it up. I focused all of my attention on things that were going to need my attention. I worked ahead. I chose to spend time focusing on more important aspects of my life as opposed to the droll and mundane busy work that clogs us all up.

Ask yourself a question. What if you just didn’t answer your emails?

Try it. I stopped checking my email every 10 minutes to now doing it twice a day, sometimes not even that. I find that 99 out of every 100 emails I delete. I find that if an email is indeed important, I’ll determine if it is. And if I don’t answer? If it’s important enough, people know how to get in touch with me.

But here’s the thing.

It’s never important enough. People just think it is.

When you stop to think about it, people who have an acute attack of self importance tend to want to have answers to questions they already know the answers to because they want their bosses to “bless” what they are doing.

It’s CYA (cover your ass) with reckless abandon, to the point where people can’t function or even wipe their ass without a permission slip.

So your job now is to put them out to pasture. They have to make decisions without your constant babysitting, and if they can’t, they need not be in your employ.

You have to let the decisions of your employees fall where they may, all the while, have faith that not responding to every little spark will not cause a gigantic blaze, because, guess what? It won’t.

I started looking at what I was doing everyday, and I found that it was more of wasting time with pointless busy work, responding to emails on shit I didn’t need to, or going over policy that should have been known because no one wanted to get in trouble.

So you have the conversations, you adjust your schedule, you work it into your voicemails about how and when people can get a hold of you, and you move forward with the work that truly needs your attention. I can’t tell you how much my life has changed when I removed the time wasting bullshit from my world and focused on what I really wanted and needed to do.

This goes for working out, paying off debt, and prioritizing my life first, then everything else second. My priorities have never been a secret, so I focus on me first, then career, job, kids, etc.

When I put my time first, strangely, everything started to get better. The stupid, pointless meetings ceased. The box clogging emails stopped. The visits from uncertain employees diminished. And the important things rose up from under the pile of stupid shit to get my attention.

As people get older, especially men, they start to prioritize their time much more because they see the clock ticking on their lives. Is it mortality that is giving me this chance to pause?

In a way, yes. I know that I don’t have a lot of time on this Earth, so the best way to spend it would be to do what I want to do. And even if I have priorities in my life, my ability to deal with those priorities gets better when I diminish the amount of wasted time that I have in my life.

Nobody wants to die regretting what they didn’t do. So what better time than now, when all of this shit is hitting, to reinforce my boundaries and make them walls.

Time Audits

In order to do any of this, you have to know what’s important in your life and prioritize that.

Start with a notebook, and go through your day.

What are you doing that someone else could be?

What are you doing that is not advancing your life goals?

What are you wasting valuable time on that you could be doing something productive?

These are questions that can be answered with a two week micromanage of your life.

I went around, was mindful of what I was doing, wrote it down, and changed the parts that were taking away from my goals.

And you can’t just half ass it, you have to whole ass it. You have to make a move to cutting the clutter from your life both physically and with time.

Clutter happens in many different forms, your job is to identify and get the fuck rid of it.

So now?

I check emails twice a day.

I’m able to be reached (by emergency only) on my cell phone. If it isn’t an emergency, I call it out and ask if I need to be contacted for something that can be solved without me.

You can’t be a dick, but you can be assertive in protecting your time.

I now put my projects and company issues first and handle them. And with that daily audit, I can identify, ahead of time, what issues will come up and if they need to be dealt with by me or by others.

My personal life includes helping my kids and putting their interests and difficulties higher than I had.

Dating comes after I’ve established all of my time and have organized it.

The more time you take to audit the time you spend, the more you realize that you have more time that you would ever realize.

The excess time that I have is now spent writing, focusing on my life goals, and handling and preparing my business for the fun times ahead.

Leading is best done by someone who has great time management skills.

But you have to start now. You have to micromanage your life.

Grab a pen and pad. Start to analyze what things are wasting your time.

Time is more valuable than money because a good use of time can actually make and save you more money.

But you have to make it happen. Start prioritizing your time. Take it for yourself and watch all the issues you thought would happen when you did it fall to the wayside because people understand you don’t hang out for bullshit pointlessness.

It’s time to a take your life back, minutes to hours at a time.

Turn off the TV, get to the gym, work on your side hustle, work for yourself.

Enriching your life is the best thing you can do with the time you save.

Get to work.

A Letter To My Younger Self

Timothy Wayne Hicks, with his little sister and a devil cat, 1993

Dear 22 year old Tim,

I’m here to tell you some things that I need you to know so that you don’t take the next 22 years and blow up, then rebuild, then blow up your life again.

I’m your 44 year old self, fresh off of 22 years of fun, games, heartache, tragedy, loss, joy, and fun.

At this point in my life, at the time of writing this letter, these 22 years have flown by. I will tell you some things that you won’t believe but shouldn’t be surprised about:

  • As of this writing, you’ve been employed by two places, both family-run. One you left because you wanted to start a wholly-owned family business with your father, mother, sister, and good business associate. You’re just starting work at your father’s first company at 22, and you’ve got a shit ton of hard work that you don’t know is coming that is coming for your ass. College was cake, this real-world shit is not.
  • As of this writing, you’ve finally, mercifully discovered the world of women. It took you 20 years to do it, and surprise, you did it well. But it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and it certainly wasn’t the lifelong quest you needed to have to find your Moby Dick. And yes, you slept with a couple of white whales. Don’t sleep with fatties.
  • You’ve had a life of living overweight and out of shape. For 20 of your future years, you will be a fat ass. It’s not personal, though it is. You come from a long line of family who doesn’t take care of their health. And going into the workforce after you managed to take care of yourself in college, you’ll let all that slip. You’re going to balloon into a 308 lb unhealthy human being, and only between riding the roller coaster of diets and exercise will you truly find visions of your true self, before you fall back into the fat abyss. But the good news is, at 40, just like everything else you’ll learn the hard way, you’ll finally get your shit together and be able to outrun your kids and outwork men half your age because that’s what you should’ve been doing all along.
  • You have two amazing girls and an ex-wife. Yes, I said EX-wife. You spent your 20’s working hard and not putting work into your own life, so in your 30’s you married a woman because she was the only one who said yes. She married you because you gave her to opportunity for children. Both of you didn’t know who you were because you never bothered to find out. Your divorce put you in massive debt that took you two years to pay off. At the time of this writing, you are agonizingly close to your goal, with a mere $4500 left to go.
  • Your kids are incredible. Your oldest is just like you in every way, almost to a fault. Tall, lanky, and opinionated, but strong-willed and spirited. She’s also got your anxiety and anger issues, some of your more unattractive qualities, but she’s still a firebrand and an amazing student, as well as a robotics champ and an engineering fiend. Your youngest is smart, funny, social, and doesn’t take shit from anyone. She’s an independent dynamo who is friendly to everyone she meets, as well as a supporting and nurturing presence to her family and friends. You’d be amazed and proud of what amazing kids you’ve produced.

I wanted to reach out to you because I know what you’re going to be going through and I want to tell you things that I would recommend you do, knowing what I know now.

I will give you a rundown, and trust me what I say, this will save you YEARS of heartache and spinning your wheels. I can tell you that you are doing well at 44, but not as well as you could be doing if you follow me on what you need to be doing. Many people write these puff pieces of what they want their past self to do, but mine is truly from the heart, and you have a chance to re-live this life with vigor and more heart that I did, because you will truly know who you are and what you want.

  • Find out who you are

You are Timothy Wayne Hicks, but you don’t have the first fucking clue who the hell you are or what the hell you want. You MUST find out. It will solve almost 90% of the problems you will have in the future. Travel, try new things, spend time with friends. But know this. The myth that you were told about having a wife, house, car, kids, job, etc, is just that. It’s a myth that’s been propagated as the meaning of happiness in life, and it’s not that for many people, you included. You need to understand that just because your elders are pushing you into a direction they think you need to go, it doesn’t mean you have to go there. You have to think for yourself and don’t buy the myths of what is supposed to make you happy. What makes you happy is being who you want to be, doing what you want to do, and living how you want to live. No one has the right to take that away from you, and many people have succeeded in doing that in my life. No more.

  • Don’t go into trucking

Yes, your father offered you a great opportunity, but you needed to do something else. This job, as successful as it has made you, has taken years off of your life. Trucking is stressful, problem ridden, and thankless, and you jumped in when you were young and dumb, which is right where they want to get you. Now, you’ve lived your dream of becoming an entrepreneur, but at a potential cost of your sanity. It was never what you wanted, and will never be what you wanted. You’re a slave to it at times, and while trucking runs in your family’s blood, it’s cool comfort to a man who’s endured shit tons of crap from it for 22 years. If you have a chance to do something else and then come back to it, fine, but my guess, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that you need to travel, and take that trip to Argentina to immerse yourself in Spanish. Live there for 6 months and get yourself some world action.

  • Have sex and socialize

In 5 years, at the age of 27, you’ll have sex for the first time. While this probably won’t come as much of a shock to you as it should, you’re terrible with women and you have been for a while. And it won’t get better these next few years, so I encourage you to get out and socialize. Put the fucking video games down and put your head in the game. Go out with your friends, go to business dinners, travel, and meet new people. You’ll wait 20 years and a failed marriage to get this through your thick skull, and it needs to be said. You must get better with people and improve your social skills. Experience women from different backgrounds and walks of life. And most importantly, wrap that rascal. But you need the experience.

  • Pursue your passions

You love meteorology. But you couldn’t cut it because you thought it would be too hard. You never even tried it. You just assumed. Stop assuming. Get your ass to work and get a degree in something you love. You wanted to be a storm chaser, you wanted to be a meteorologist, you wanted to fly into a hurricane. You walked away from it all because you thought it was too hard. You’re a dumb fuck if you do it again. Explore what you want to do in this life. You will discover, 22 years too late as it seemed, that you have a passion for writing and a passion for helping men to live a full and more stable life for themselves. Get some balls and make a decision to be good to yourself and fuel these passions. It’s your call. Don’t forget that.

  • Get married on your terms

Yes, you’re divorced at 44. Yes, you wasted 10 years of your life with a woman whom you loved, but whom you loved only because you were told that’s what to do. She’s a great mom to your kids, but you need to be better at vetting potential women in your life. At 22, you would marry the first woman that said yes to having sex to you, and you actually do that at 30. She’s a good woman, but disaster is coming if you marry her, which you do. 10 years of a loveless marriage, no sex for nearly 2 of those years, and an inert relationship that dissolves slowly. You’ll make the tough decision to leave the marriage in 2015 and you’ll be glad you did, but it will cost you years off your life as well as tens of thousands of dollars. She’s not a bad person, as a matter of fact, she’s a great co-parent and best friend, but you shouldn’t have married her. But the good things that came out of it are the two kids you have. They’re very special. But you need to marry on your terms and only when you’re ready. You’ve rushed into marriage under pressure from family and friends to “settle down”. Don’t listen to them. You’ve got to blaze a path on your own. You must take the world by the balls before you invest in another person, and that person has to be the one to help you conquer the world. If she’s not, then there’s no point.

  • Be smart with money

You learn 5 years into your marriage that debt is a prison and you rack up tons of it with your wife. Then you take Dave Ramsey, and you start to get it back, until your divorce when you rack up debt again. Don’t go into debt. There’s no point in trying to have everything at 22, when you can work and live for practically nothing and save up every penny. Your success should be internal, not to show up your neighbors or people you don’t care about. You have to be smart with money and set up retirement early and contribute often to it. At 44, you’re kinda starting over on that point, and if I had done this at 22, I wouldn’t be in the straits I am now. And I want you to get a will done immediately. And life insurance, term life insurance. And get a good accountant, lawyer, and tailor.

Maybe the reason I’m writing this letter is because I’m scared for you to go through what I went through and I want you to avoid it. But maybe avoiding it isn’t the way to go. Maybe all the shit you’ll go through is so you can tell your story to a younger man than you, so he’ll learn from you.

Trying to avoid a life of some difficulties makes soft men.

You need to take life as it comes, and learn from the mistakes I made, but you’ll still make mistakes. We all do, and the best of us learn, adapt, and warn others about said mistakes. You have a lifetime to learn the hard knocks classes, so get started.

And on second thought, after you read this letter, tear it up, and do what you need to do to live your life. Just stop listening to other people who think they know better that you do about YOUR life. They don’t, and they never will.

You’ve got this, Past Tim.

Go live your life.

Sincerely,

Timothy Wayne Hicks, 44

The Eye

Hurricane Laura – August 2020

“In the eye of the storm, I’ll make my stand. But I’m not waiting for the walls to close in. I just brace myself for winds to change their ways.”
– Godsmack – “Eye of the Storm”

The hits kept coming.

“I can’t keep doing this.”

I thought to myself.

There I was, out on the warehouse floor of my work, Christmas rush blasting the dock, my daughter had potentially had another seizure, my parents were fighting, my ex-wife was threatening to take me back to court, and my aunt was having serious health issues.

On top of all this, I had just broken up with my girlfriend.

Towering waves, wind crested and pushed, were tossing me around. Swirling vortices of water, pushing me in every direction, a doomed ship upon the angry sea.

And I kept refusing to put down my anchor.

Helplessly bracing for the next hit, I was letting all of this consume me.

This hadn’t been the worst day. There’d been worse, don’t get me wrong. But everything was hitting at once. And I was letting it affect me. So I had to say “fuck it” and dropped the hammer. I lashed out at everyone at work about my shitty day. I got emotional. I punched a door. It was too much.

So I stormed out and slammed the office door. I was on the warehouse floor with freight, machinery, and large equipment in a righteously pissed off state and that wasn’t good.

After tossing a couple of load locks, my phone, non-stop since that morning, started ringing again. I chucked it across the dock.

After taking a 2x 4 to a pile of old pallets, I finally calmed down. I was sweating, out of breath, but surprisingly, everything was finally, mercifully quiet for a moment.

I sat on the pile of pallets, breathing heavy, fuming, and upset. It wasn’t stopping. The phone, surprisingly still working, kept ringing. Texts, alerts, overload.

It had to stop. It wasn’t going to.

I had to make it stop.

Enforce Your Calm

A man must understand one thing.

The storm of life doesn’t ever stop. You create the calm within it by being the strength to face it.

As I said in a blog post a few months ago called “Storms”, life doesn’t give a fuck about you or your problems. It’s unrelenting, and you can only control what you can control.

But what you can control will determine how you weather these storms, and if you are strong enough, anchored enough, and steadfast, you create your own calm, your own eye within the chaos, rather than being tossed uncontrollably by a machination of calamities, both perceived and real.

This is a matter of personal, emotional, and even physical strength. You make a stand against all of this, everyday. You put your chest out and face the wrath, unflinching. That’s the difference between today’s stressed out man and the man of the past, who was stressed, but did his shit anyway.

There is something to be said for stoicism, the practice of Marcus Aurelius, and why the manosphere continues to pine for his wisdom. Zeno of Citium founded the school of philosophy, and there is a ton of wisdom in it. It’s a lost art to be able to keep one’s cool, especially with a world that is constantly yapping at men to perform. Imagine a world that Aurelius lived in, with wars with barbarian hordes, disease, famine, and low life expectancy, as the back drop for a philosophy that required you to keep your head about you at all times, through all events.

Now, fast forward to today, where modern convenience has made all of what Aurelius dealt with obsolete, and see how we are MORE stressed than ever.

It shows to men today that we are not even close to being as weathered as our ancestors. And with the feminization of society, it only stands to reason that as society continues to denigrate men and masculinity, the victim hood of circumstances defense will still continue to get airplay.

All the more reason for men to focus on the small picture and handle their immediate concerns, and forge a calm center to retreat to in case of issues.

It really is up to you how you attack this.

The Mind’s Eye

All calm in your life starts with the calming of your mind.

Close your eyes in a quiet room. No distractions. Do you hear your mind chattering away? This is your mind’s default setting, but it is one that you can control.

You have issues. You have things that you have to do. You have worries. You have fears.

You have to assign importance of all of this in your thoughts.

You control what thoughts you listen to. You control your reactions to the thoughts that scare you.

You are in control of your brain. Many people aren’t, however. That’s where taking time to calm the mind is where the calm in the storm starts. When you’re calm of mind, the world calms around you, because you aren’t letting it escalate. This takes an enormous amount of self and emotional control which many men these days don’t have. To stand in the face of a blinding wind, gigantic waves, and the imminent threat of loss of life is to become more than the hurricane.

And it starts in your head.

The world, and hell, life in general is a bully, but it’s all bark and no bite, for the most part. We live longer now than we ever have. We have somewhat of a civilized society. The big picture things are handled so that we can obsess about the small shit, and obsess we do.

The human mind must always have problems to solve, or it creates them on its own. Idle hands are a major problem, and the problems that are easiest to solve tend to be the ones we overlook, and the lack of control for the bigger problems overwhelm us.

While seething on the dock that December afternoon, several things happened.

  • My dock was full of freight and we were busy
  • My daughter’s seizure was a false alarm
  • My parents worked out their issues
  • My ex-wife called and apologized and we worked out the issues
  • My aunt found out she didn’t have cancer

My relationship with my girlfriend ended by my accord. I found out later that she had been seeing her ex-boyfriend before me again, so it made my breaking up with her much easier to handle.

All the shit I was stressing about during that day had worked itself out (with little lifting from me).

After an apology to my work crew and a bit of door repair for the dented door, I was back to being even-keeled. But this time, I reminded myself that feeling this way wasn’t the way to go, and clearing my mind was going to be a priority to avoid future blow ups.

I’ve always had a problem with anger, and there aren’t easy answers. But you can control and channel your anger into productive exercises, as well as utilizing stoicism and mind calming techniques to pull back from the brink of the blowup.

Before, I would be uncontrollable with my stress induced blowouts.

But now, they happen much less frequently because I’ve managed to remember the big picture and how forming a eye of calm inside a storm of reality will truly make me a better man.

Find your calm and claim it.

Guilt and Shame

“You can twist perception. Reality won’t budge.”

  • Rush – “Show, Don’t Tell”

Show me a man doing what he’s told, and I’ll show you a woman who used either sex, or guilt and shame to accomplish it.

Men, especially men here in 2020, millions of them, are in relationships or marriages where the woman calls the shots.

And the way the women call the shots? It’s the way they always do, utilizing emotional manipulation and withholding sex to achieve their goals.

Men are still, after all is said and done, responsible for their actions, however, they need to be aware that women (a majority) are doing this not because they are some sick, twisted soul, but because they can navigate emotion with great skill and do all of this unknowingly.

Women, regardless of where they are in your life, do this almost daily. We call them “shit tests” here in the manosphere, but we also must realize that this isn’t something that women can control.

While we want to rail against women who purposefully do this (they are called psychopaths or borderline personality disorders), a majority of women do this simply to make sure their man is up to the task.

This also goes for mothers and their sons, sisters to their brothers, aunts, nieces, etc.

Women test men daily, hundreds of times daily at times, to make sure he is who he says he is, believes what he believes, and holds his boundaries and beliefs unflinchingly.

But what we are seeing is what I was under for 10 years of my marriage.

Women can use guilt and shame to attempt to influence a man’s actions.

He must not let that happen.

The Fog

As I stated, I was in this trance for most of my life.

It wasn’t that these women who were in my life were manipulative.

They weren’t. I’m sure they wanted what was best for me.

But what was best for me in THEIR mind was different from what was best for me in mine.

My mother and sister, as well as my wife, tended to push me in directions that I didn’t know I didn’t want to go because I didn’t know any better.

As a man, I had no direction, so these women were trying to

My mother has been through a lot in her life.

She is a champion and is a fantastic mother.

She’s endured child abuse as a kid and survived cancer.

She helped my father raise three kids that weren’t hers as well as 2 that were.

She was a successful financial accountant for a giant corporation for 30 years.

And she is my rock when I needed support.

And she continues to be there for me.

But it wasn’t always on my terms. For a time, it was on hers.

She over-compensated with my child rearing, because of how bad her childhood was, she swore that her kids would have a better life. And we sure did, my parents were and are still very loving and supportive. But with the over-compensation, I was over-protected and relied on my mother for a ton of decisions that I needed to make myself. And that over-reliance on the women in my life spilled over into my sisters and my wife (now ex-wife). I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life, so I decided to let the women of my life drive while I fucked around.

Important decisions about my life were given to the women of my life. And as soon as I let go of the wheel, I was going to places I thought I wanted to go, and looking back now after taking back control of my life 4 years ago, I should’ve taken control sooner.

But many men never wake up, letting their wives / mothers / daughters / sisters take the wheel and drive their lives. And it’s not as if they aren’t good drivers, but men nowadays are more concerned with the “clock in, clock out” world than they are with actually making their lives all that they can, with women as their willing accomplices. But here’s where the break happens…..

News flash: WOMEN DON’T WANT TO BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE.

I highly doubt my mother, or my sisters, or my now ex-wife wanted to tell me what to do with my life. I was so eager to avoid conflict, take the easy way, not fight for what I believe in, that their advice became a crutch for me to excuse making tough decisions in lew of the path of least resistance.

In short, I didn’t want to live the tougher parts of life. So I conceded that control to women who I felt had my best interests at heart. And in their own way, they did, except their goals and dreams for me never lined up with what I REALLY wanted, hence when the rubble of my marriage and my life was still smoldering, the conflict with the other women of my life came full circle. My life goals were now, after 10 years of marriage and 30 years of female control, diametrically opposed to that of the women in my life.

When you give someone overreaching control of your life, don’t expect to have an easy time getting it back.

It’s not that they want control, it’s the absence of control that you exert that forces women to take the wheel. Like an abandoned ship with no crew, she has to take control or she’ll be dragged down with the wreck.

I don’t blame my mother for any of this. She had a childhood where she was basically abandoned by her father and her mother neglected her. So she had to steer the ship. She had to control her world, and it took her childhood away from her. She didn’t get to be a kid, she’s been an adult her whole life and it didn’t give her a chance to rest and recharge. She didn’t deserve it, which is why when I took back control of my life, my goal was to tell her to put down the hard stuff and let me take it. And the process of that will take time. She needs to be able to relax, and me taking control of my life, though disappointing at first to her, gave her some relief that she didn’t have to take the wheel anymore.

And it gave me relief because I now have control.

The Only Way to Win is Not To Play

So you’re being guilt and shamed by a woman in your life? The best way to overcome and pass this “shit test” is the only way. Don’t play.

Any attempt to guilt and shame you is an attempt to change your mind using manipulation of a certain set of circumstances.

“If you don’t do this for me, I’ll XXXX.”

If someone is giving ultimatums to you, you walk. Ultimatums are a cry for help because these people have lost control of you. You have free will, which is usually a bad thing for a person who’s trying to control your actions with their guilt and shame.

As I say with many confrontations, you don’t avoid them, you turn them down.

Not getting guilt and shamed by someone so desperately trying to is the answer. Walking away from a losing game is not avoiding confrontation as much as it is not wasting your breath on such a confrontation.

You have better things to do, and trying to confront someone who has no interest in changing their behavior wastes your time.

You do you. Let them worry about themselves.

When you finally take control of your life, there will be MANY people who won’t like the direction. My response has always been “if you love me, you’ll support my decisions.”

And most importantly, you can’t be afraid to cut people out of your life, at least temporarily, but worst case, for a long time. Charting your own course, by your own rules, is the healthy option. Unless you are doing unhealthy things like drugs, crime, etc, you have every right to do what you want with your life. But many people see you doing that and it takes away their power over you, and the benefits of that power doing good things for them.

Don’t be afraid to walk and never look back.

Sometimes burning bridges is a good thing.

So back to me. My family life is improving. The women in my life may disagree with my path, opinions, or convictions, but they understand that as a man, I have every right to chart my path.

But with me wrestling back control, I have seen the women on my life, mother, sisters, and ex-wife, understand and accept my chosen path, and now, even support me no matter what.

That’s why I love this new me so much. I have put my flag in the sand and now people can either rally or leave. And the women in my life haven’t left, they’ve only become better allies in my conquest of my world and myself.

And for that, I can’t thank them enough.

I love you, Mom, Debbie, and Shanny. And yes, Jill, even if we’re divorced, I still love you. You ladies have helped me to understand what I really need and are there to support me.

I promise, you won’t be disappointed by the finished Tim.

He’s got this.

Dreams

As a new subscriber of Dr. Taylor Burrowes’ “Ideal Relationship System” group coaching, I’m sharing some of my experiences therein with approval. You can find more information about her work here www.ideallovelife.com.

“I will quietly resist.”

  • Rush – “Faithless”

Ask any random man on the street about his dreams, his goals, his wants and desires, and you’ll generally get about the same reactions.

A woman.

A good career that he loves.

A piece of land with acreage.

Children and lots of them.

Travel.

Freedom.

There are many things a man truly wishes he had in his life, and the above tends to be where he lands.

Quite simply, ask any man what he truly wants and he’ll tell you, “freedom to do whatever the hell I want.”

Isn’t that what we all want? We want the freedom and flexibility in our lives to live the lives we truly want.

But many times, men intentionally put barriers to their own happiness and freedom because they are bound by some sense of honor or duty to anyone else in their lives but themselves.

In short, they’re playing a game they didn’t create and they can’t win.

The Same Script

Many, many of the men I’ve spoken with, am in organizations with, or grew up with have all told me, generally, the same hopes and dreams that they all have. The freedom to do whatever the hell they want.

I’m sure most men, when they are in their 20’s, don’t have a damn clue as to what they want to do with their lives, so, and I speak from personal experience, we are TOLD what to do, and we do it. They give you a solid blueprint when you are getting out of high school, college, or the military on how to live your life. Job, car, house, kids, wife. Retire after working 40 years or more. Have debt, buy toys to make others envious.

It’s all bullshit, of course, but it’s still pushed by men before you, because it was pushed by men before them.

It’s an assembly line of thought, mass produced by a society that sees men as expendable cogs in a gigantic machine. Men must provide value or die. No where does it forgive men for pursuits of their own dreams, it actually punishes men for failing to work for the greater good. Sacrifice isn’t coveted, it’s required.

The world doesn’t care about you, and never did. That was the harsh lesson I learned as I was struggling to determine my own path in life. I was told the same damn things, and did the same damn things. But what I didn’t understand, and now do, was that this life is MINE. I get to have the choice of what I do.

As I slaved away in my 20’s at my father’s business, many times pulling 80 hour work weeks, weekends, and holidays, I didn’t understand the world. I just kept my head down and worried about the daily grind, the myopic existence that many a man endures today.

The advice and blueprint handed down is a worn out piece of paper, with many a man obeying it without question for generations, without even looking for what he truly wants to be in a man, what he truly wants for himself, what world he wishes to forge. The world he enters is already forged for him, and all he has to do is make the donuts for the hungry.

Marcus Aurelius, the stoic for whom I base my worldviews on, had good points, but he also had some things he fell short on. I don’t believe a man is just his job, nor should he be. Does he exist to serve others only if he gains benefit from it? He exists to serve himself and helping others should be a valuable by-product of this service.

As I say, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Live Your Dream

A man’s role should always be that of building his world. He should have the drive to do whatever he wants and be successful at it.

You cannot truly be happy slaving under someone else’s expectations for your life.

That’s what men lack in this day and age, the BALLS to make their own decisions and risk it all for a dream that they have. Risk averse men have taken over, run by overlords who have no object but to use them for their own devices then toss them aside.

You must take control of your own life.

Are you in a job you hate? Quit.

Are you in a marriage that sucks you dry (in the bad way)? Make plans to eject.

Is your mindset that of complaining when that other guy gets what he wants, that girl goes with another dude, or you miss a chance that you didn’t take? Change it.

Men won’t change their lives because they are ignorant of the fact that they can.

When you live under a rock, all you know is the top of the rock, the soil underneath, and the darkness that engulfs your world. It’s only when the rock is moved or you decide to lift it up that you see the true environment you are living in.

I want all men, all men, to take stock of their lives at the moment.

Are you truly living the life you want?

Are you scared to take risks to attain this life?

Are you being held back by those who don’t want you to have your own life?

This is where men must be the most selfish. They must not delay in taking their lives back.

I recently did a vision board of all the things that I wanted in life. My vision board was similar to other men, and showed that I was indeed working towards the life I wanted.

Put it all down on paper. Find pictures to help you. Get it in a place where you see it everyday so that you know your work is putting you in a place YOU want to be, not someone else.

Are you living the life you want? If you aren’t, change it now.

Immediate action is required for you to get the life you want, the things you want, the freedom you want.

Many a man has taken a chance by leaving what he was supposed to do for what he wanted to do. Don’t be the man that regrets his life.

No one, not one man, looked forward to having regrets on his deathbed. This isn’t how it supposed to be. This is not the way.

I would recommend, right now, a vision board for all men to fill out.

What hobbies do you want to do? What things in life did you enjoy before you were forced to give them up? What activities gave you joy, pleasure, and a sense of accomplishment?

Put them down on paper. Then staple that paper to every place in your life.

Look at what you are doing for what you want, and make sure it’s getting you to this paper.

Do it now. Because if you don’t, you never will.

Demons

“Stop fighting your demons and start putting them to work for you.”

  • T. Wayne Hicks (Formally TW Beckett)

So as I’ve been in my self imposed monk mode for going on 6 months now, I have been able to really do some soul searching.

Through FoE (Fraternity of Excellence) and other outlets, I have been able to re-establish who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

And the man that you all know and love is still here, but he’s going to be under a different name. A REAL name.

The man I am is the man I will present to you all. It’s not a great unveiling as much as it is an acceptance of the fact that I can’t hide from my beliefs anymore. A surname or pseudonym need not be used, especially if the man behind them has the balls to stand up for his beliefs, no matter how controversial they are.

While it’s just a change of a few characters, it’s a huge shift in this environment today. Thoughts like mine are usually cause for cancellation, ridicule, and anger. But should it be that way? Hell no.

But it is what it is. And that alone has made me leery about this decision. But I can’t stop, won’t stop. I’ve forged my life the way I want it and now, it’s time to employ my demons to make the landscape complete.

The Challenge

As my monk mode settled in during COVID, I realized that not only had I not exorcised my demons, I had made new ones.

I was so intent on being good with women, so pushing myself to overcome this ONE challenge that had dogged me my whole life, that I let everything else slip.

Sure, I was having a ton of sex with girls. I wasn’t afraid to approach anymore. I was doing well with all my dating. I had established myself as a high demand bachelor before my monk mode hit, but everything around me was failing. In my blog post, Rise, I realized this and knew that I had to stop building a life I didn’t want, but at one time had thought I wanted.

It’s hard. Thinking you want something, then you work hard as hell, going through hundreds of approaches, and when you finally get it, you realize it wasn’t what you wanted.

This is the PUA life in a nutshell. I tried to push it because I thought it was what I wanted. It wasn’t.

Sometimes the things we want aren’t the things we need. And I found that out after a year of chasing pussy all over the country.

So I had to challenge myself and my thoughts in what I truly wanted, and it all kept coming back to my life I was trying to run from. My home, my kids, my job, my business, my everything. It was all being neglected for pussy.

I knew what I had to do, I knew this wasn’t the life I wanted after a pursuit of it with reckless abandon.

I’ve often been referred to as the “Single dad playboy”, and as we know, those two worlds are not compatible. Not in the least.

When I eventually brought some of these girls home, what would my daughters think? Do I really want to be the man whore who never got his ride or die?

I’m not afraid to die alone, I am afraid of dying not knowing who I truly was, and not accepting my beliefs. It’s another case of living someone else’s life, even if I was convinced this was the type of life I wanted.

I’m not trad. I still believe in the values of game and being good with women.

I still believe in men taking control of their lives, but if I’m truly going to reflect a change, I have to start with myself, accepting the man I am and the man I want to be, real name and all.

I do realize the danger in doing this. I do realize I’m opening myself up to cancellation for simply putting out my opinions.

I’ve weighed all of this. If I’m going to truly realize my goals and my purpose, I have to meet men face to face, as Timothy Hicks. I wouldn’t be doing them a service if I played pretend, after all my railings against that exact lifestyle choice.

My reality is now a REAL reality. No more hiding in the shadows of surnames, protection from the fire, it’s time to step up.

Put Them To Work

My demons, who’ve haunted me for so long, are going to be turned into my employees. It’s time to focus them on my purpose of helping men. They will be used in teaching men what not to do.

They will be used to get men better with women, yes, but more into working on a man’s confidence and swagger. I will be continuing my journey and that’s not changing one bit.

You still get to see me as I am, as I have been, as I will be. Just as the real name me now.

It’s been quite the journey from September 2018 when the Red Pill Dad came onto the scene with his general red pill wisdom, to the change of TW Beckett and getting into the inner workings of all things single dad life.

I want to thank you all for all of your support. I have met and made some great friends during this journey, and I hope to make many more. I am going to continue to write, put in the work, and master myself and my life, but now I’ve got my demons on staff to help me further my life, as well as help other men further theirs.

The story continues when you turn the page. And this story is just getting started. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. But now I will do it as me, Timothy Wayne Hicks, for the rest of my life.

My Journey will continue. And it’s just getting started.