The Pain You Need

Photo Credit: carlosxuma.com

At the birth of my beta existence, I was a senior in high school. I hadn’t dated much, and was just discovering girls, while many of my peers had been dating for 2-3 years. I was a virgin who had very little experience in this realm. I was a pretty hopeless case. A text book beta.

So it goes without saying that my first screaming case of oneitis occurred in these beta formative years. And of all my cases of oneitis, this was the worst.

She was tall, athletic, blond, and gorgeous. Tiffany was a freshman when I was a senior. She had lived in my neighborhood, and I knew of her growing up, but when she hit high school, she blossomed into a beautiful woman. And she knew it. So being a beta turd, I was already at a disadvantage. I was put into the friendzone almost immediately, with my only success being a stealed kiss waiting for a friend at my parents house.

She dated two of my friends as I continued into college. I was extremely hooked on her, almost unhealthy, and as she graduated, she would bounce around dating my good friends (everyone except me, essentially).

I still wouldn’t take the hint. When she entered college at my university, I tried to continue to play the nice guy. I took her to dinners constantly, listening to her drone on about how my friends were so awesome to her and she had a crush on them. Bouncing back and forth between my two best friends at the time, it was agony for me. And I still couldn’t drag myself out of it.

This screaming case of oneitis had cost me my college freedom. It had closed me off to what was possible. And even worse, if she had asked me to do anything, I would’ve done it twice over. She had a spell on me, and it really affected me.

On several of our dinner dates, I would continue to hint that I would be perfect for her, molding myself into someone she could date, but she would always tell me no. I’d be destroyed for a couple of months, and then go right back to trying to court her. Hope was killing my life.

Hope is a death knell for betas.

It was after college that I finally came a bit to my senses. I started to distance myself from her, only to have her come over and complain about my friend and her’s relationships. Then, her and my friend broke up. I thought this was my chance.

It was a May afternoon about a year after I graduated from college that I heard that not only was she not choosing me (a statement she had made many times before), but she was dating another one of my best friends. I exploded. She called from her car and I went off on both her and my friend. I was done. I didn’t talk to them for years after the fact.

But it didn’t have to be this way.

I’d never taken rejection well. To the point where if I was rejected, I would cower for two – three months and be petrified of approaching any girls. I had to resort to online dating so that I could buffer the horrible pain of rejection. So my high school and college careers was a series of oneitis catches, then rejection, then despair as I tried to get over it. It really was pitiful, but it was all I knew, so those years were essentially a dumpster fire.

“It’s As If You’ve Been Physically Hurt”

Rejection is a primal human fear. It’s a part of us. According to Psychology Today, rejection actually “piggybacks off of pain pathways in the brain.

Humans have a mapped feel for rejection, all the way back to ancient times. Humans have a need to belong, “and when they were ostracized by their tribe, it would almost mean certain death“. So in that sense, rejection was a life or death issue. Survival instincts kicked in after a rejection.

These days, we fear rejection even more, and the ostracization of people can be even more felt. So much so that society has put in buffers.

So terrified are we as a society of rejection, so terrified are we of social interaction, that we have built our dating technology, food service, grocery delivery, and dining out experiences to avoid speaking with people.

Think about it. We have food delivery, pay at the pump, grocery delivery, carry out, porn, and swiping right and left to specifically avoid talking to people in person. Social interaction means exposing ourselves to some form of rejection, and we avoid it like the plague. We like our bubbles, and we erect comfortable walls to keep us safe inside so we don’t have to feel that pain.

So what’s the result? Well, disaster.

Social skills are lacking in younger generations. Young men are having less sex than ever before. The amount of men not having sex has increased three fold over the past 10 years. We have buffered ourselves into a stagnation of child birth rates.

Reading body language, reading a room, interacting with people have all become quality skills that are needed these days. It’s amazing to me how technology has gone out of it’s way to push keeping people in their bubbles.

And all of this, all of it, because we want to avoid the pain of rejection.

The Alternative

Pain hurts. Of course it does. It’s a human body’s generated response to “stay the hell away from that”. But pain is also the body’s greatest teacher. Which is why we as a human race need to stop avoiding it.

S what did I do after I snapped? Well, continuing on my destiny of being a plugged in beta, I finally, finally, got out of my shell just after college. I started to work out more, I started to date more. I was meeting people. I would slowly work my way out of my rejection funks. Where before I would zero out for months, it was now weeks or days. Then, I met my wife.

The “lost decade” for me came after I had made so much progress. I fell back to Earth. And I didn’t have the chance to really come into my own, choosing the path of least resistance. Then I got divorced.

Going through the hell of divorce makes you a different person. The pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of divorce. When you start feeling REAL pain, financial, emotional, and physical, you realize that rejection is nothing.

So as I emerged from my divorce, it was time for me to finally take control. I fluttered around for about a year, dating occasionally, and still feeling the sting of rejection, but not to the extent I felt in my 20’s. It was getting better.

I’ve had three relationships in the 3 years since my divorce, and each relationship has taught me more and more about rejection in the big scheme of my world. The pain was becoming less intense with every breakup, every rejection, regardless of situations.

“Pain Don’t Hurt”

One of the most famous lines from the 1989 classic movie Road House, Patrick Swayze makes an excellent point. As he’s getting stitches from Kelly Lynch without numbing, he’s telling her about the amount of times he’s been stabbed, shot, and beaten up. His body has become used to it. It comes with the turf of being a bouncer.

So what the hell does this have to do with rejection? Well. I’ll let my recent experiences tell you.

In the past year, I’ve been rejected over 300 times by women. And while I now don’t think that’s a lot, taking the beta Red Pill Dad numbers of 2 months average after a rejection to get right, that would be over 50 years to stew over that many rejections. 50 FREAKIN’ YEARS. I’d be 75 years old with the same oneitis problems. What a waste of a life.

My pain is now pleasure. The pain of rejection has now been turned around in my life to give me a road map to be a better man.

Pain from rejection turns into learned experience and eventual success.

After any rejections, I don’t stew. I think, I write, and I study. I take advantage of my pain to show me what I did wrong.

Instead of passively avoiding the pain like we see society doing, I am actively working to avoid the pain by studying my techniques and learning what works.

Now, I’m approaching and getting rejected more than I ever had. The key to rejection is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Knowing that one fact will make the pain of rejection that much more easy to take. Whether she’s in a relationship, not in the mood, you don’t click with her, you live in different cities, or you have different goals and interests, it’s just not a fit.

She’s just not into you, bro.

Getting past the pain of rejection was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But overcoming that pain is small compared to the regret you’d feel living a life of disconnect just because you don’t want to feel it.

Feeling pain is living. So it’s time for you to start.

Men In Love

Credit:  WebMD

This is Part 2 of my “Men In” series:

There she is.  That girl you can’t get out of your head.  Great body, long blond hair, great smile, blue eyes, nice tits, sweet personality, everything you ever wanted.  She’s all you can think about.  You haven’t asked her out yet, but you see her every day at work, or every week at the gym, or this month at your friend’s get together.  She’s perfection to you.  She can do no wrong.  

She’s the girl of your dreams. 

Congrats, you have what we in the Manosphere call “oneitis“, or an obsession with one particular girl, or what some in the beta male would would classify as love.  It’s portrayed as a man’s reason for living, and most plugged in men continue to pursue this fantasy, sometimes even succeeding, then getting buyer’s remorse for not knowing the complexities of women

As we are approaching the reprehensible holiday of Valentine’s Day, a holiday invented in the second century AD by the Christians to skirt Emperor Claudius Gothicus’s marriage decree, and now hijacked by corporations, the Church, the feminine imperative, and Hollywood to make men feel bad for not giving gifts, spending time, or spending money on their significant others, we continue see love being perverted for different gains.  It’s been weaponized against men, through this wretched holiday, as well as through the lens of what the feminine imperative could squeeze from it.

It’s time to talk about men in love. 

Why Do You Hate Love?

“Love”, for lack of a better term, is used far too often for too many situations these days.   Love is supposed to be a catch all for strong emotions about something or somebody. 

The general response to the above diatribe from women to me would be, “Anyone who hates Valentine’s Day or love hasn’t really ever been in love, or they have experienced a bad heartbreak.”
While I have indeed experienced bad heartbreak (as have many men), I loathe that anyone who says I don’t like the word “love” is implying that I’m harboring an internal grudge against it because of past incidents with girls who rejected or broke up with me.  People are dying to connect these dots, because it supposedly invalidates my argument. 

From personal experience, in my early days as an AFC beta, I celebrated Valentine’s Day.  I thought I had to shower a girl with trinkets, gifts, and attention to validate my love for her.  I quickly learned that this was a fruitless endeavor.  I grew a bit wiser, and throughout my later relationships and up to my marriage, I seldom celebrated Valentine’s Day, and “love” was implied in my relationships. When I was married, my wife, at first, didn’t need proof of my feelings for her, but when the time came that she did need this proof (and the check almost always comes due at some point), I was already out the door.  The way that I saw it was, if I had to prove my love to this woman, it ceased to be love, and was now a business transaction.

Men can only feel “love”, or what they think is “love”, because as a goal, logic, and task oriented species, men focus on a goal and look for a solution.  That answer when dating is finding “true love”, or the ultimate solutions to a man’s “problem” of being single.  

This is what a fem-centric society wants.  Love, as with most things these days, has been hijacked by the feminine imperative not as a raw emotion, but as yet another filter to use for their hypergamic natures.  When a man gets oneitis, more often that not, he might as well be holding a giant, imaginary sign that states, “Average Frustrated Chump.”  Women avoid this like the plague, and when they see it, depending on the phase they’re in, not even Beta Bucks will help you. 

Countless romantic movies show men falling for a woman, being the “nice guy”, and getting his oneitis.  That’s how it’s supposed to be.  That’s how a fem-centric society wants to weed out the weak betas.

I don’t hate love, I hate what it’s being used for.

 

The Problem Of Love

For decades now, the manosphere has been accused of being misogynist, as well as decrying the values of love.  I think I speak for most of the mainstream manosphere when I say, I “love” women.  What do I mean?

Well, when I say love in the dating / relationship world, I should be saying:
-I enjoy the female form
-I enjoy the female company
-I enjoy sex with an attractive female, all the emotions and feelings I get from experiencing pleasure with the opposite sex
-I respect and appreciate everything a female has to offer
-I have an incredible admiration for all the amazing things females can do that men can’t

So, if you must call these things love, then I guess I can be called guilty for “loving” women.

The main problem with love is that it’s an emotion you can’t have without consequences. 

Love precipitates in many forms, including good and bad, but all very legitimate.  It’s one of the rawest emotions.  It’s brutality and bliss.  It’s decadence and danger.  It’s volatility incarnate.  It’s chaos.  This is why it can be used very effectively by women, because as creatures of chaos, it’s in their very large wheelhouse.

No matter how the chips fall in the dating world,  saying that word invokes strong emotions from females.  It’s a game changer, and as many a man has found out (including yours truly), saying that word too quickly in a relationship spells the end of said relationship.  You can’t say it until she does, and even then the feeling may not be mutual.  She’s always got something else on her mind, and it’s probably not you.  Unless you have an understanding about the general nature of women, as well as their feelings on love, you don’t have the knowledge of the dynamics involved.  The red pill alleviates many of these pitfalls.

The Responsibility of Love

Love is not harmless.  It’s not a fleeting emotion.  It’s a big deal, and it can get men into a lot of trouble.  When men love, there are many caveats attached to this love, including financial, emotional, and physical support of their woman.  This is how society expects men to show their love.  Women certainly don’t need this love, as they are capable of supporting themselves, but throughout early to dawn of the 20th century history, the man has been the bedrock of a relationship, creating the “bubble” which the woman had operated in. 

Then, with the advent of the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s, women awoke to a new day where they controlled the dynamic, and they have not wrested control of it.  They were the bubble, they made the decisions, they played the part.  The sexual strategies being employed to this day developed in the past 50 years, and continue to evolve.

This is how society has been built.  Love no longer represents a harmless feeling, it’s very real, and if men aren’t prepared, can be damaging beyond belief.  It also represents a huge financial windfall for anyone wanting to make money off of it’s effects, from businesses marketing products, to family law, to state and federal governments, to churches, love’s for sale.  And if you choose not to play the game of love?  You’re a misogynist who’s been wronged far too many times by women.  Shame, guilt, and ridicule await you.

I don’t condone hating love.  My job is to make men aware of what it entails, what it stands for, and what it really means to be in love.  Love was sold as a good thing, suspending men in the good life, being happy, having sex, everything you were told it was about.

However, love is no longer a fruitless emotion, it is a responsibility.  And when presented like that, it’s not all roses and silk sheets.  I’m here to tell you that it’s not. 

As many wise men have stated, one cannot fully embrace the love of another without first securing the love of oneself.

One of the biggest adjustments of being red pill aware is not only the cynicism of love, but also the promise of how love can truly be fulfilled.  One thing that red pill knowledge has afforded me is the ability to realize more amazing relationships.  When you know what I know, you can approach love and relationships with logic, and still revel in the joys, feelings, and sensations of it.

Love is like fire.  It can be controlled, harnessed for good, but only after you know how to deal with it properly.  So educate yourself, so you can truly love again.


 

Men In Divorce

Source:  Armistead

This is Part 1 of my “Men In” series:

Marriage.  Man and woman, joined as one in the eyes of God.  In sickness and in health, ’til death do them part.    This was the way it was supposed to be.  Find a good woman, settle down, have kids, white picket fence, 50 year marriage.  
My, how times have changed.
Divorce rates, although down, are still hovering around 50% in the US.  Divorce is big business, funding family law offices, and financially stifling those unfortunate enough to be caught in it.  So what are the basics on divorce?
Divorce is a state level jurisdiction, which means the Federal Government never usually gets involved (it has only ever gotten involved in child support).  Almost all states have a form of what’s called a no-fault divorce system, which means one party can file for divorce at any time.  There used to be a “fault” divorce, premised on reasons for the divorce (abuse, adultery, etc.), but now it’s not really about the reason, it’s about the divorce.  There are really two main ways a divorce can go monetarily, and it depends on what state you got married in.
The first is called a “communal property” state, which splits the divorcing couples assets 50/50.  This is what Jeff Bezos will be going through in Washington.  There are other states that do what’s called an “equitable distribution”.  These laws take into account to what the state thinks each person is worth in the divorce.  It’s a misnomer as “equitable distribution” is not equal, it’s what’s “fair” as deemed by the state. 
As you can see, marriage has become less and less about love and companionship, and is exclusively a business transaction.  When the government became involved, the decline of marriage became inevitable, especially today, where family law, still antiquated and not updated in almost 40 years, savages people financially. 
I’m writing today to talk about men in divorce, and not just men, but men who actually take responsibility.  In many cases, these men are punished more than men who shirk their responsibilities.  Family law is so backwards these days, there are many examples of men being arrested for not paying child support for a child that isn’t even his.  Men can spend years in jail for being unable to pay alimony.  Custody of kids is skewed towards the woman, as men only received custody is 10-15% of cases.    
Men are hit harder by divorce.  Men are more likely to develop suicidal thoughts after divorce.  Men don’t have the social network that women have.  Men are the hopeless romantics.  Even in my personal experience of divorce, even when I initiated, I was devastated.  It was the most difficult time of my life, because I thought my marriage defined me.  It’s a blue pill norm that I couldn’t handle.  I’d lost myself.
 
However, my divorce was not typical.  It flew in the face of a lot of the norms, and I can confidently say that my divorce was very smooth.  I filed against my ex, and, by acting like mature adults, we had very little issue with the process.  We agreed on everything in principle, and with my job, I was lucky to be able to afford what was thrown at me.  We went through mediation, and never went to court.  My feeling was the money I was spending on lawyers could be better used by my kids.   
Child support in my state is figured with two factors in mind.  First, and most important, is time spent with the child.  The second, lesser figure, is income.  There are some states that factor income over time spent with the child, but the big picture for any state court is the child’s well being.  “Well being” is a broad definition in family court, so whatever the judge decides, is the law.
But for every example you give of a “deadbeat dad”, I can give you examples of men, who just want to be in their child’s lives, being victimized by a woman who knows there are times you can exploit the system, and it brings horrible tragedies to families already going through tough times.  While fathers not paying for their children is still a major problem, and with men still cheating more than women, family law has yet to address these new problems.  
The system is weaponized over hurt feelings.  This has to change.

“He’s Going to Pay for What He Did To Me.”

Women initiate divorce 69% of the time, according to a recent study by Stanford University.  The reasons are many behind the study, however, the study also recognizes that women have an easier time after divorce, because divorce, for many, is good for women.  Men who make more than their spouses have much more to lose.  With states that provide alimony, women have a base for which to grow economically, while men finance their endeavors, with jail time hovering over them if they don’t provide “an income for which she was accustomed to”.  The playing field is rigged much of the time, with the State becoming the de facto third parent, dolling out justice to those it feels have wronged the other party.  But it takes two to tango, and while we weep for those that feel they were wronged, both parties need to examine why divorces occur and if we need to re-examine the entire concept of marriage, much less why we get married in the first place.
With all the talk of gender equality, no where is gender more proportionally misrepresented than in the family courts.  We need to update family law, so all sides are more equitably represented and protected.  I’m all for women making more money than men, because then family law will have to contend with the fallout of traditional gender roles in marriage.  When you apply gender dynamics of the early 50’s to today’s family law decisions, it makes judge’s decisions that much easier (men work, women stay home).  But as we all know, it’s changed, and the system is hurting those it was designed to help.
As a man who constantly discusses divorce and what not to do, I always say that, especially in states without alimony, it’s child support, not spouse support.  I make sure to support my kids in every way possible.  I see fathers everyday who do the same thing, but are punished by a ex who uses the system to their advantage.  For every man cheating on his spouse, I have examples everyday of a woman cheating on her husband, claiming abuse where there wasn’t any, and ruining his life simply because she can, with the state as a willing accomplice. 
I have been soured on marriage.  I recommend to all of my readers to not get married.  Not even prenuptial agreements are safe for you.  Until you understand the consequences of marriage, you have to make sure you’re protected.  Always err on the side of caution, especially if you don’t know the whole story.
I lead with a story on divorce because when it all boils down, marriage and love are secondary to the very real effects that divorce has on a man’s life.  
If, and that’s a very big “if”, I get remarried, it will be with the express understanding of both parties of financial consequences and fallout from divorce.  It’s not about love anymore. 

Leagues

Photo Credit:  Elle Magazine / “Knocked Up”
As the new year is upon us, I have taken some time off to get my mind right, as well as get ready for my upcoming podcast.  However, I wanted to fire off a quick blog post, discussing something that I had mentioned on my twitter feed, and a topic that has been discussed at length in the manosphere.
Also, the topic of today’s blog, that of “leagues”, was the center of a heated debate among my family during the holiday break.  As my last relationship ended, many in my circle were very supportive of me, but the questions arose about the “type” of woman I was looking for.  
Was I “aiming too high”?  Convinced that I was not “being realistic” about the type of women I “needed” to start looking at?  Were they “out of my league”?
This begs the question, “What are leagues and how do they work?”
No doubt you’ve heard the expression, “She’s out of your league.”  It’s an expression that basically equates to a girl being too attractive for certain class of guys.   The HB Scale, which I’ve talked about on here briefly, show’s where a woman lands on a man’s scale of attractiveness.  Women obviously have a way to gauge a man’s attractiveness, and as looks, personality, and game go, they are very important in the world.  There’s no getting around it.
But what makes leagues so important is that thanks to hypergamy and the feminine imperative (FI), they have been implemented to have men pre-qualify themselves before even approaching a woman.  The simple statement of “she’s out of your league” tells a man to not even try to approach an HB 8-9 because he’s been convinced the best he can ever get is a 6 or 7.
Credit:  Sunny Street / Max Garcia
This is done on purpose.  The reason you see many of the memes and comics today of women at the office dismissing (or even reporting) a unattractive beta male who compliments her versus a hot alpha who compliments her and she’s in bed with that same night, is because of hypergamy, and the use of leagues (hence the double standard).  
Men are naturally polygamous, women are naturally hypergamous.  This makes the use of leagues as just another buffer for women to get the best possible mate.  There are always exceptions to these rules, of course, but human nature doesn’t lie.
So what does this mean?  It means the sooner you know a woman’s true nature (red pill), the sooner you can understand that one of the many ways women pre-screen their male choices is by creating the “league”.  As Rollo and Michelangelo stated, “it’s not that you aim too high and miss, it’s that you aim too low and succeed.”
The bottom line:  As soon as you realize that leagues are an invention to dismiss your worth to a woman, the sooner you realize that you can have any woman you want.  Any woman.
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. Michelangelo
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/michelangelo_108779

 

Know Your Worth and Increase It

Of course, Rollo has a great deal to speak about leagues, but I bring this up because of what happened to me personally.  As I have been dating quite a bit, I have bumped up against this use by some women of the “out of your league”, but I’ve never really spoke about it until the debate with some of my family over the holiday.
As the topic came up, it dealt with the class of woman that I have been dating, or attempting to date.  A comment was made that I need to “stay in my lane” in terms of women, by my ex-wife as it turned out (I am still very good friends with her).  Her ideas of the type of woman I would date were out of whack, as well as funded in fantasy.  My last relationship was with an HB 7-8, and this surprised certain members of my family.  But you can see the underlying codex, that of leagues, permeates the fabric of dating life.  
It shows you just how much the FI affects the world in pursuit of their goals.
The statements made were mostly about the type of girl I should be looking for, rather than the type of girl I want.  And while I understand the concern of my family as they feel like I’ll be let down but thinking I can have any woman, I can also attest to the fact that I won’t disqualify myself without giving it a shot.  And Wayne Gretsky stated, “We miss 100% of the shots we don’t take.”  But my success with women has increased a ton just by throwing off what I am “supposed” to do and not “staying in my lane.”
But this realization also comes with a side of cold, hard truths.  Knowing what you know about leagues still won’t get you into bed with an HB9.  And bagging such a woman should not be your primary goal. 

You need to work.  Work on yourself.  Work on your physique, work on your game, work on you.  You’ll find that if your self improvement is primary goal, the secondary goals will start becoming easier, especially when gaming women.  Nothing substitutes for hard work.  When you up yourself, you make the percentages of success that much more attainable.

Women are people, just like you and I.  They are nothing special, and those that think they are delude themselves and their followers.  The more you approach women, the more comfortable you get with it.  The notion of a league is an invented nonsense.  The sooner you realize that, the better.
So, as you go into this new year, remove another imagined barrier between yourself and the girls you want.   
There is no such thing as a league. 

Relationship Post Mortem

While my blog tends to cover the same ground as other Red Pill bloggers in terms of what I’ve already learned, I am trying to make a conscious effort to also show that I am still learning what it means to be Red Pill.  When I reference any of these writers whom have inspired me, I try to show how the information affected me, as well as how good the information is in general for any man looking to unplug.

But what happens with that information when I try to apply it to my life? 

One thing that I am learning to do now as an over 40 aware man that I never did before in my 20’s or 30’s is to analyze myself in how I am doing in my life.  This includes my personal goals, my fitness goals, my goals learning game, and my relationship goals.  Self actualization and analysis used to be something I thought was an absolute waste of time, and being plugged in, why wouldn’t I think that?

But emerging into this new Red Pill world, writing down and recording my goals and how to achieve them, and critiquing and then analyzing my behavior in a relationship or during an approach can yield massive amounts of information to help assist me in doing better next time. 

One of the things I want to share in this blog, upcoming podcast, and videos, is how a man in my position deals with these challenges.  I want you to see my progress, because many of you don’t know where to start, how to proceed, and what to analyze.  I want you to read, listen, and watch me, because deep down if I can help one man get through the same issues I have, then I’m doing what I set out to do. 

In my interactions with women, I’m trying to learn the ways of the Red Pill, and not just in the realm of pickup.  I also am trying to analyze my relationships with women, both past and current, to see where I can be better.  So, in the spirit of this experimentation, I am going to publish a post mortem of a relationship that ended for me just recently. 

To begin, let me say that I fell into some major beta traps in this relationship.  I can freely admit I screwed up, and making that statement is hard enough for a man who just broke up with his girlfriend.  But there were also major strides made.  As a blue pill, especially in past relationships, it would have never come to me to think of questions as I analyze my actions. 

I’ll now go through some of the words buzzing through my mind as I start my post mortem, then describe what happened, and throw in details of what I feel I could’ve done.  And yes, I expect many of you will be shaking your heads until your neck hurts.  It’s an honest approach from me, and I made many mistakes on this.

Background:  I met this particular girl at a mutual friend’s party, and while I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything long term, we hit it off.  She was a year younger than me.  She approached me as I was talking to another friend, and we began to talk.  She was an HB 7, and in good shape.  I asked for her number, she gave it, and asked her out via text.  She accepted, only after calling our mutual friends to make sure I wasn’t trying to just bed her and move on.  I replied with, “Whatever happens, happens.”  Also, a very big red flag came up that I ignored.  She had just broke up with her boyfriend of two years the same day we met.

Dating:  We proceeded to go out several times, including a breakfast first date, however, she was a single mom, and did not have much family around her, nor very many babysitters, so it was hard for her to get out.  I had three evening dates with her, many lunches, and many sexual rendezvous on her work days when she was working from home.  Sex was good.   I would always make the plans and surprise her (a very alpha move), but I was beta hooked.  I was developing oneitis.  After a month and a half, she insisted I meet her daughter.  She met my kids.  It was moving fast.  Too fast. 

Epiphany:  She met my family.  Our kids met each other.  I was realizing this speed was problematic.  It was when we started the family outings on weekends I had my kids that I started to realize this was moving at a break neck speed and needed to slow or stop.  She kept saying everything about me was amazing.  Sex with me was “incredible”, she said.  She “cared for me”.  She insisted on spending time with my family, especially during Thanksgiving.  Never once did she say “ILY” (I love you), but I figured it was coming.

Then, after a more stressing family outing, she started to distance herself. 

Aside:  I have noticed in a few of my relationships, especially ones with women who have hit their wall (34-41), that these women have a 90 day trial with any new man.  If they don’t like where the relationship is headed, I have observed that just before 3 months, they start to become distant and make plans for an exit.  I cannot tell you if this happens to other women under these ages, but I would love input if it does. 

Finale:  With the speed of this relationship finally ramping down (because we both saw the signs), I decided to make a decision.  All the plans we made for the future were vanishing one by one, as we both started to reign it in.  Potential vacations cancelled, kids activities where we wanted to attend were dropped, and finally, on a cold Thursday morning, I called to tell her that we needed a break.  She sobbed, but understood.  After a weekend of no contact (that’s the rule, dammit), she emailed me back a long, drawn out email saying that I was too “alpha” for her.  I was dictating the terms (which I wasn’t), but my feeling is it was a cop out for her to go back to her “beta” provider boyfriend before me.  She said she was an alpha also.  She wasn’t.  She had other irons in the fire.

A short email was sent by her after that, ending it.

Retrospective:   So what happened?  I now know.  And it wasn’t good on my part.  Not at all.  Let’s just put it this way, it should have never moved past casual dating, but I let it.  I wish I would’ve been too “alpha”, but I wasn’t.  Not even close.  Let’s look at the tape.

Credit:  SocialMettle

Alpha parts of the relationship: 
1.  I never texted first.  She would always text me first, and on only two occasions do I remember texting her first.
2.  I led.  Or at least tried to.  On most occasions, I made the plans, I picked the places, I kept her on her toes.  I kept the surprises coming.  She would make plans occasionally, and I went along, but this was one of her major gripes as she felt she didn’t have a say in our relationship.  She did.
3.  Eye contact.  I kept it all the time with her.  I made sure she knew I was there with my eyes.
4.  Honesty.  I made sure I was up front all the time.  At this point in my life, lying is pointless and time consuming.
5.  I cut it off.  After seeing the writing on the wall, I got out while I could.  This was the best decision I could have made in this situation.

Beta parts of the relationship:
1.  Oneitis.  I got it, I fell for her.  No way around it.  We went too fast, and I let it happen. 
2.  Thirst.  I would go out of my way to go to her place (40 minutes away) to have sex. 
3.  Weakness.  Even though she texted first, I texted back almost immediately. 
4.  Preserve at all costs.  Even at the end, I was kidding myself about wanting her in my life.  It shouldn’t have even been close.  This plane shouldn’t have even got off the ground.
5.  Frame.  What frame I had, I lost.  Frame is very fluid, and in my attempt to try and get it back, I put her off. 
6.  Other plates.  Number 1 part of plate theory is spinning other plates.  I didn’t have this back up plan active.  And it cost me.

Culmination:  So what did I learn?
I learned how quickly I was ready to lose frame over an HB7. 
I learned I have to stop the beta oneitis.  It’s not healthy for me or my interest. 
I learned that I don’t benefit from thirst, especially when I have options closer to my immediate area. 
I learned that I have been programmed to commit quickly because of something that looks potentially outstanding, but just pulled back from the brink in time. 
I learned that I need to make myself less accessible, regardless if I really like the woman.  You must maintain frame at all costs, or it’s over.
I learned that it’s never as good as it looks. 

And most of all, I learned that I have much more to learn. 

So there it is.  My last relationship under the microscope.  It was brutal, and I have a ways to go to attain what I want.  An LTR (long term relationship) with my frame as the primary.  So where do I go next?

I keep learning.  I keep reading.  I keep studying.  I keep writing.  I keep analyzing.  And most of all, I keep approaching.  I’m not going to get better by not doing the work.  

So keep your chins up, guys.  It’s going to get better.  Just let my self analysis show you what to do and not to do, so my loss is your gain. 

Never stop learning.

Why Do This?

Throughout my red pill journey, questions inevitably come up when I’m talking with friends, family, and men I’m trying to reach about why I decided to do this whole thing.

There is an inherent risk to what I am doing, as it completely flies in the face of everything I was taught, as well as it’s not exactly politically correct to believe certain aspects of the Red Pill.

One thing I stress as a RP aware blogger is the conditions that I describe that happened to me are not unique to my situation.  I speak about my experience with certain women because what has been described at length in the manosphere HAS happened to me.

The RP narrative hits close to home for me because of the women I’ve been with.  But this certainly doesn’t apply to all women, as dealing in generalities is a dangerous game that I won’t play. 

As I type this, I’m constantly bombarded with articles citing the RP as a misogynistic practice put forth by losers who have an axe to grind with women they were dumped by, who they couldn’t ask out, or who cheated on them.  They claim that the manosphere is rife with basement dwelling keyboard jockeys who couldn’t get laid, much less get a woman to notice them.  They claim that the RP gives men unlimited reasons to trash women, complain about not getting laid, contemplate violent thoughts, and other horrible issues that RP is sometimes attached to.

However, this is not the red pill I know.  This is sects of crazies dedicated to perverting red pill truths into their own distorted reality.  There is blame of women for their lot in life.  These are the incels.  This is misogyny.  This is anger.  These are men who need help.  

I wish to pursue a more blatant definition of the red pill, that of positive masculinity.  A man must take responsibility for himself, his circumstances, and make the best choice available.  A man must constantly work to improve himself, not only for him, but for those who rely on him.  A man must be a father, to support his children in a positive role, helping to raise them to become well adjusted adults.

As many studies have shown, a strong, masculine presence is essential to raising a well adjusted child.  Men need to grow up and take responsibility for their choices, which in many situations they don’t.  I can’t tell you the amount of dead beat dads that I know of, who ran off to whatever they were after, only to leave their kids and significant other in need of that masculine presence.  A man needs to lead, not cut and run.  We as men need to take the reins back and show people how amazing dads are, and continue to raise the next generation to know how to be a successful husband and father.  

There are many more areas a man can take more responsibility.  A man can take care of his own birth control.  Wearing a condom not only prevents sexually transmitted diseases, but it also prevents unwanted pregnancies, as well as showing a woman you’re in control of your body.  Men need to take a greater role in birth control.

I love women.  Femininity is an amazing thing that I absolutely adore.   That being said, there are many women out there that fit the red pill narrative to a tee.  Helping men to recognize these signs and what they can do to maximize their efforts with women in their lives is only going to strengthen the bonds between both sexes.  Some women won’t say no to a better man, especially one who exhibits more alpha tendencies.  And studies do show that women do prefer aggressive, alpha based males over their counterparts.  The dads or cads allure is real (also known in the manosphere as “Alpha Fucks and Beta Bucks”).  Alpha males, in my opinion, are real, or at least their most attractive tendencies are.

Also, there is a concerted effort by crazy feminists to destroy men.  They do want equality, they want a gender war.  I’m not only staunchly against misogyny, but the natural lean of some fringe feminists is to spread misandry, which is just as bad as misogyny.  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  Men and women are equal, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t different.  Both sexes have strengths and weaknesses.  And yes, I do believe in traditional gender roles.  But the fight against the traditional gender roles can go too far sometimes.

We can’t even have a Christmas song

Source:  Craig James, The Family Alpha

Why do I do this?

Men need to be men again.

Why do I do this?

I want to share my experiences with other men to help them become better.

Why do I do this?

Because men are being portrayed as expendable, and we aren’t even the majority sex on this planet.

Why do I do this?

Because men are reaching out in their loveless marriages to me, and asking me what they can do to be with their wives intimately again.

Why do I do this?

Because sex is one of the most important things in a relationship for men. And any man that tells you different doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  As Rollo Tomassi states, “Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.”

But the most important reason is a lesson to all men.  A lesson a friend of mine learned first hand, and a lesson I won’t forget:

I had a very good friend from college some 20 years ago whom I kept in touch with.  He was a great dad, great husband, and was as I was, a blue pill beta.  He married his wife after they met in college, and she was his one and only sexual partner.  We grew apart, as some friends do, but I always made it a point to at least call him once or twice a year to see how he was.  His kids were just a bit older than mine, and we’d talk about our lives.  

One night, he reached out to me when I was still married, and was concerned about his marriage.  He and his wife had not had sex in over a year, and there he was, in a loveless marriage.  He was out of shape, working a job he hated, and concerned that something had happened.  I simply told him, in my blue pill state at that time, that “everything will work out.  Just be yourself.  Go to counseling with your wife if you think there’s a problem.”  

After that conversation, I didn’t talk to him much anymore.  After some sporadic conversations about two months later, I lost touch with him.  It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that his name came up again, this time, for something that shocked me as a man to the core.

I had a chance to catch up with a mutual friend at a bar.  I asked how my friend was, and she replied very solemnly.  

Turns out, my friend had attempted counseling with his wife.  They went for a few sessions, but she abruptly stopped going.  One day, she approached him with the news.  She had been cheating on him for over 2 years with a guy she met at work.    She said she didn’t love him anymore, and he was devastated.  He had done everything by the book and had wasted his life on a woman who didn’t love or respect him.  And all because he was doing what society said he was supposed to do. 

As our mutual friend spoke, her voice cracked.  “He committed suicide just three months after he found out.  It was heartbreaking.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I was speechless.  

This story speaks to all men.  It spoke to me, and it and other stories like it drive me to make men better for themselves.  I can’t save those who we’ve lost, but I can try to prevent this from happening again.


Men are 3.5 times more likely to commit suicide than women.  I need to do what I can to help remember those like my friend, who had his whole life ahead of him, but was never unplugged to live life for himself.  I can’t save him anymore, but I can save myself, and I can save other men.

I can attempt to push back, from our terribly unfair family court system in the US to cataloging my attempts to learn game, from chronicling my life as a father to my constant state of learning about interpersonal relationships between men and women, but my wish is to inform.

To sum it up, Chris Rock recently released a comedy special that has a controversial quote, but one I tend to believe in to some extent.  It certainly drives home some points of the blue pill world I experienced:

I want my life to be a blueprint for how to be a red pill man.  I want to raise my kids with a strong, masculine presence.  I want to be the best version of myself I can be.  

And now, you know why I do this.  

Personal Responsibility

Credit:  New York Post
As I sit down to write this blog post, several things in my life are getting me thinking about personal responsibility, a concept I whole-heartedly support for everyone.  I consider myself very conservative, and one man’s life is entirely in his hands, and his actions or lack thereof can directly affect his lot in life.  Maturity is essential when a person accepts those situations where they have no control, and makes the most of the situations that they do.
So as a single father, business owner, and Red Pill aware male, personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my belief system.  I am responsible for two children, a business, my employees, a household, and my own person.  Needless to say, I could not attribute my success to anything but hard work, foresight, tireless planning, and self-discipline.  But I wasn’t always this way…
There are some of you out there reading this that have had a rough go and blame your lot in life on outside forces.  Some mysterious force, out of your control, that continues to deny you of what is rightfully yours, holding you back against your inevitable triumph.  This is all bullshit.
There’s been an incredibly disturbing trend in modern Western society where victim hood has become all the rage.  With nanny state governments, victim hood peddlers, and virtue signalers becoming more and more commonplace, the personal responsibility mantra has taken a hit.  No one wants to be responsible, because it implies consequences.  Fear and consequences are the biggest obstacles to overcome, because some humans (while debatable, yes) are naturally inclined to avoid conflict.  No one wants to be at the target when the shit hits, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to back down. 
You become a better person when the buck stops with you.
I don’t take this responsibility lightly.  People count on me everyday.  My kids depend on me to hold a job, provide food, shelter, clothing, school supplies, and all other necessities needed to grow up in a stable environment.  My employees depend on my expertise, resolve, decision making, and ability to lead to maintain the business so they can provide for their families and live a good life.  They depend on me to do my job so they may earn a livelihood.  My household depends on me to maintain cleanliness, upkeep, and repair.  My own person needs a good diet, exercise, and sleep.  
Personal responsibility is an important first step in the foundation of a greater life.  As you build, more things are drawn to you, you become more successful, you become more reliable, and you will accomplish more of what you want.  Also, when your starting out in your career, having reliability and self discipline (on time, work smart, dependability, ambition) will get you far, and these traits are the basis of a good personal responsibility belief.  
When dating, this responsibility manifests itself into a good physique and confidence to attract, as well as solid personal beliefs that don’t sway when confronted with women who engage emotionally.  
This belief system will be a natural filter for woman whom don’t fit your views, and will add to the effectiveness of “spinning plates” (h/t Rollo Tomassi) when you are dating many different types of women.  Don’t be the beta loser, contemplating your lot in life instead of getting off your ass and making things happen.  You’ll see your prospects dwindle with this outlook.
When in a LTR (Long term relationship), your own personal responsibility allows you to take on the natural gender role of leader, putting any relationship roles the woman doesn’t need to take to rest.  You are the man, act like it.  With a solid foundation of you taking care of you, everything will build off of that, and your relationship will be much stronger (and last longer, if you desire) with your self-reliance and personal responsibility leading the way. 
When you take responsibility for your actions, words, and desires, you will inevitably piss off people.  This is a fear most have as the desire for inclusiveness and acceptance is a human mantra that’s existed for many millennia.   But you can still have those things, as a natural belief in yourself, your thoughts, your dreams, and your actions, will piss off the RIGHT people.  If people are turned off by your persona and beliefs, they will go away, and those people that compliment your existence will be attracted to you.  
So where to start?  Start with you.  Stand up for your beliefs, even in the face of criticism.  Stop apologizing for your views.  Own it.  People will garner much more respect for you when you own your beliefs, your actions, and your words.  But be prepared.  Folks will be critical, they will ridicule, sometimes, as my anonymous brothers have found out,  there will be threats of physical violence.  But stand tall against the fierce wind.  Your beliefs will always be yours, and no one can take that from you. 

Panem et Circenses

Juvenal – Roman satirical poet
In Satire X, Juvenal laments about the days past of a strong, united Rome that took it’s civic duties seriously, fought for the empire, and represented the strength of their conquests.   Roman men fought in wars to expand their empire, participated in government, and gave all other civilizations pause as to the impressiveness of the Roman civilian / soldier / governmental representative.  
It was a time when honor, strength, and abilities of it’s subjects made Rome the greatest empire in history.  In fact, one of this blogger’s most admired men, Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus, a legendary figure who at one time abdicated absolute power, was a symbol of Roman manliness and virtue.  I recommend reading up on him…for there’s a reason a city in the US was named after him.
When Juvenal wrote about “bread and circuses” in the early days of the early 100’s A.D., he was in the midst of a period of incredible stability.  The period was known as “The Five Good Emperors”, was the longest, uninterrupted peace in the Roman Empire.  In fact, when Juvenal wrote Satire X, Trajan was just beginning the expansion of the Roman Empire to it’s largest extent, from Spain to the Arabian Sea.  
So what are “bread and circuses”?  It was a saying developed by Juvenal to describe the declining Roman citizen.  After years of taking up arms, the Romans had let others fight their wars, enslaved all they conquered, and had resorted to a life of sloth, greed, crapulence, and laziness.  They did not take pleasure in ruling, they took pleasures in eating, drinking, socializing, and enjoying their spoils.  Thus, the “bread and circuses” distinction was one of the Romans becoming mindless sheep, only interested in drinking, sexual experimentation, and who won the latest race at the Circus Maximus.  
So why do I do a blog about this topic?  What does this have to do with being Red Pill aware?
The term “plugged in” was obviously from The Matrix, a movie with so many comparisons to Ancient Rome.  We are in a plugged in environment, with social media dominating us everyday, our need to get validation from total strangers continues to grow.  We actually get a dopamine high from someone liking our posts, and just like a drug, we continue to post hoping that next comment, retweet, or like will go viral, making us popular with the human race.
As a blue pilled beta, my life was dominated by social media.  I followed thots (those hoes over there) on Instagram, hoping that my one comment would get their attention and they would DM me.  I posted on Facebook hoping for validation of my feelings, my aspirations, my desires.  I posted on Twitter and started internet fights with complete strangers, hoping someone would validate me and my opinion.
My screen time on social media as a blue pill exceeded 4 hours a day.  Always worried about who would like my post, always screening any notifications that someone liked my post.  I was a sheep.  I was more plugged in than I had ever been.

So if you’re immersed in the world of social media and not focusing on yourself, your goals, your dreams, and your ambition, you’re in effect enjoying “bread and circuses”.

You’re watching all the life around you while not working on yourself.  You’re sheep.

Source:  Gizmodo Australia

CUT IT OFF

So what to do? You cut if off.  I decided to distance myself from social media.  I deleted all apps.  I went dark on all platforms for almost 3 months.  It became necessary to focus all of my attention on myself.  I needed validation, but from me.  I became more self aware of what destructive habits I was involved in online.  I unfollowed the thots, some of whom wondered where I went.  
“Why aren’t you following me anymore?”  one asked.  
“Because, I need to follow myself.” I stated bluntly.
I didn’t need to waste time validating others or trying to validate myself in their eyes.

So, do it.  Uninstall Facebook, Instagram, Twitter…everything.  Until you are ready to use it in a manner that doesn’t require you to check it every 10 seconds for validation, it should be gone.  Don’t explain it to anyone either.  Say, “I needed my life back.”

So what were the results of this self imposed exile on social media?
I began to discover that the world around me was more than just fleeting internet dopamine gains.
I went to the gym, I read, I discovered.  I talked to people.  I hit on girls, I dated, I had amazing sex.
In short, I was living the life I was trying to portray to complete strangers on social media, except I wasn’t sharing it with any of them. 
After I had cut off social media, I wasn’t in any hurry to get back and show off my new life.  The only reasons, I figured, to get back on social media was to make money, help others, and teach men about what I had went through.  So I made a plan for when I actually got back on, and I haven’t wavered from it.  
I strongly recommend giving up social media to focus on yourself.  It will be tough, as those who relied on you to be their validation will come calling, wondering where you went.  And when they do, just say one thing.  
“I got a life.”

Dear Younger Self

Recently on my twitter feed, I had the opportunity to do a quick top ten list of things I would tell my younger self.  I was so proud of it, I have to post it here as well.  
While it doesn’t necessarily cover everything I would say, these points of emphasis are very important to not only older men going through a life reset, but also younger men in need of guidance.

And, also, unofficially,  the last bit of advice I can give, is LEARN.  Be willing to learn.  Don’t ever miss an opportunity to learn from those that have been there before you.  I continue to learn from all sorts of sources, and I won’t stop.  Absorb.  Grow.  Be the best man you can be.