The Single Mom Dating Dilemma

At 43 and single, I’m finding many of the dates I’m having with women in their 30’s and 40’s are with women who are single mothers. This was going to be inevitable as I am trying to date as many different women as I can all while getting to know who I am, what I like, gaining experience in dating all types of women.

So it goes without saying that dating single mothers is extremely complicated. Many women are not choosing to be single mothers on purpose, so you have to be aware that there are major reasons why they are single. From reasons like a boring marriage or lack of sex to more serious issues such as spousal abuse, drug addiction, or adultery, these women have been through some serious stuff and for many, it has scarred them for a very long time, if not for life.

Many of those women have major trust issues, lack of sexual appetite due to major abuse or trauma, and are embittered by their exes’ lack of commitment to them in their time of need. Plus, on top of this, you have a society that empowers single mothers to be victims all while shaming and berating men who had nothing to do with the situation. Add in the State as a third party to the marriage and you have the makings of a giant dumpster fire.

There’s a huge stigma in the manosphere about single mothers and with very good reason. Many of them are damaged, bitter, and just plain unpleasant. There are men like Rich Cooper and others that are leading the charge against single mothers as damaged, not worth your time, and swearing off on them altogether. And with all the terrible examples out there of women who have taken their situations out on everyone else but themselves, it stands to reason that some of those assumptions that Rich makes are correct. He’s right about many single mothers who become almost militant feminists in a crusade against men. He’s right about the sense of entitlement in single motherhood and I’ve seen it first hand in the dating world. There is a noticeable amount of women who act this way, and Rich is correct to warn men about them. They aren’t looking for a complete relationship with another man. They’re looking for a meal ticket, a support check, or are ready to manipulate an unsuspecting man who is looking for sex and letting thirst drive his needs.

While my endorsement of Rich will no doubt get me some blowback from the other side of the manosphere, I will tell you that while I agree with him on many things about single mothers, it’s a bit more complicated, especially as a man who’s currently in the dating pool full tilt and is seeing these things every day. What am I saying?

I’m saying it’s not all cut and dry, black and white, solid 100%. There are many types of single mothers out there and while many are absolutely monstrous, I can attest that there are just as many that are wonderful people. So what’s the difference? The difference is the amount of responsibility they take for their lives. Let me explain.

The Camps

I put these women into 4 camps. Camp 1 is the worst of the worst. Feminists, militants, anti-men who blame everything else on their lots in life. These are the moms who get triggered by doing anything remotely having to do with pleasing a man, instead blaming all men for their ex’s terrible behavior. Camp 2 is women who are less militant but still have a very clear bias towards men and especially their exes, blaming them for all the unfortunate things that have happened to them, but not all the way to man hatey status. Camp 3 are women who have softened and are accepting the fact that they can’t continue to blame men and their exes for issues. They have taken a certain amount of responsibility for the directions of their lives and are trying to get out of the tailspin that the lack of blame for themselves had put them in. And finally, Camp 4 is the reformed, feminine single mom. She’s not making excuses, pulled up her big girl pants, and has completed herself in a flourishing manner. She also won’t put any blame on anyone anymore, and also won’t deal with weak-minded men either.

The type of men that these women will search for is inversely proportional to which camp they belong to. In short, weaker men (betas) tend to gravitate towards the 1st and 2nd camps, where the 3rd and 4th get more mature, masculine men. Also, time is a huge factor in moving from 1st to 4th camps. Generally, the longer the time span from her being “wronged”, the more accepting she is of her circumstances and her faults in that choice.

Also, to no one’s surprise, women in the first two camps are usually more liberal than the last two. Camps 3 and 4 are learning more about personal responsibility and have let time hone them a bit, so they tend to be more feminine and conservative.

Camps 1 and 2 tend to look for weaker men to support them and their feminist crusade against the bad men that hurt them.

Camps 3 and 4 tend to look at themselves as independent and don’t blame. They look for men who are complete as they complete themselves.

Why do they go to these camps?

Many of these women married their alphas who rang their bell knowing that they were trying to change him. When they knew they couldn’t change him, they suffered through while enabling him for the sake of the kids or the marriage. They suffered through abuse, cheating, or worse.

Many women who are single mothers have endured emotional or physical trauma for this choice. But something kept them in the relationship. Maybe hypergamy, maybe sex, maybe duty, maybe something. But it’s kept them there too long and they struggle with why they couldn’t make him the way they wanted him because they were so hot for him.

Now, they are looking for a man for a meal ticket, a father to raise kids that aren’t his, or worse, both. I don’t recommend any man signing up for this if the woman EXPECTS him to help her raise the kids or provide money for her and this family.

They also feel like they have to blame other things besides themselves in order to overcome this hiccup. They overcompensate with being born again virgins, becoming radicalized feminists, focusing on their careers, or trying to wed a beta guy to try and show that their choice wasn’t the issue, it was the man and only the man. No amount of voodoo or choice is going to change the fact that she did indeed make that decision to sleep with, marry, have kids with, and enable the man she now blames for her lot in life.

The bottom line is owning a choice. Many single mothers refuse to believe that they had anything to do with the life they chose, that that life was thrust upon them as they were just in love and trying to make it work. It follows on the feminist line that women are infallible, incapable of bad things, and can’t be held responsible for their actions, which is horse shit.

It stems from a liberal, victimhood mentality that permeates the single mothers of our Western society. But I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t permeate them all. It doesn’t. There are good ones out there. I will explain.

NAMALT (Not All Moms Are Like That)

Where I split with some of the manosphere regulars is what I’ve found in the dating world. There are moms out there, good, hard-working moms, who are complete and wonderful. In my limited 3 years experience, I’ve found the rule more than the exception obviously, but I will say that I have gotten into relationships with good women who really were “wrong place, wrong time” types of women. They were dedicated, feminine, and supportive. They took responsibility for their lives. They didn’t let their single mom status divert them from trying to be successful. Many of them are conservative-minded and very family-oriented, yet also independent in accepting and overcoming their disadvantages. They have a man to raise their kids, their dad, or if they don’t, they aren’t relying on a man to raise them. They raise them on their own and don’t expect you to jump in and help, or worse, rely on you as a meal ticket.

While any “red pill cred” I had left with the manosphere may diminish by me saying that NAMALT, it’s something that I’ve actually witnessed in the trenches of dating. And as much as I agree with parts of the red pill argument, I still have to report what I see, honestly and upfront.

While we see some of the worse offenders through Rich Cooper, Rollo and others, we don’t see the success stories that I see, so that’s why I write this blog today.

So, gents, it’s up to you. If you don’t want to date single mothers, don’t. I’m not telling you to do it anyway. You have every right to live your life and date who you want. But I’m telling you that through my dating experiences, there are good ones out there, feminine, man-loving, good-hearted, supportive, beautiful mothers out there.

Hopefully, with this blog post, I can both assure men and also make them aware of the good, bad and ugly of the single mom world. Because there are ton of the last two with our society standing by as a willing accomplice.

But trust your gut and know that the good ones are out there. They are worth it.

The Three Month Itch

Photo Credit: Addictinginfo.com

My recent experiences in dating have been some of the most interesting times of my life. When you start to date around, you tend to see patterns that set up. Whether it be the type of women you date or other encompassing traits that show themselves during and after the relationships, you can gradually become more comfortable dating knowing what to expect.

I stopped online dating altogether, just because the women on there think they’re all goddesses and the men on there worship them thusly. It’s a popularity contest with no winners, but as I get more into shape, I will be conducting an experiment sooner rather than later on these sites.

So I go with what I’ve been doing, which I think is much better, that is meeting women through business meetings, networking, social circles, and the occasional approach success I’ve had, which are going to become the main tactic as I get better at game.

So the social circles I hang out in are a mix of conservative and liberal types, and but lately I’ve been noticing a pattern in what I’ve been attracting. The independent, liberal career woman. They have all lined up over the past 2 years, and what’s interesting is with every relationship, it has started with this type of woman.

Her average age is 37, she’s making 6 figures, she has a Master’s degree, and she’s at a pretty good place in her professional life. As a business owner, I’m a pretty good target for these types of women, especially if they think I’m a “beta bucks” guy. They are attractive, confident, and live alone or have 1 child at most.

They’re embroiled in a later epiphany phase, or the phase they’ve got to start provisioning for their beta bucks male so they can have kids, and are trying everything they can to avoid the wall, which has already taken it’s toll on them.

They’re trying to pump up their value, unable to compete with women 15 years younger, by focusing on their careers, and trying to offer other incentives to secure a man.

I compare the epiphany phase to a game of musical chairs. Women are trying to land the best “beta bucks” prospect they can after a live of “Sex in the City” living. They’re trying to find their Mr. Big before the music stops. They want to have kids, live a lavish life, and settle down, but still in master control of their and their man’s lives.

The “Sex in the City” Generation

Photo Credit: HBO

When Sex in the City came out in 1998 and continued into the late 2000’s, it glorified promiscuity to women. It told them that they could live life like a man, and sleep with multiple partners with no consequences, and they after they were done, they could provision the best man, have children, and live lavishly with the man of their dreams.

They were in charge of their lives, and men were secondary to a fulfilling career, and kids were an after thought until they were less sassy at 43 or older.

So they dive head first into their careers, careening down a path of sex with many men, short relationships with men who don’t “measure up” to the type of man they wish to control in their lives, and still hope to meet that “Mr. Big” someday.

But a funny thing happened along the way to this “pinnacle” of modern feminism.

They wanted a family. They wanted kids. They thought it would all work out. And then it doesn’t. So here they are, at advanced ages to have kids, pining for all the men that they thought didn’t measure up, who now have moved on with younger women. They have families, and these women have nothing but their careers.

She’s successful, independent, but alone. Because everything that lifestyle promised was a lie.

The Itch They Have to Scratch

So this brings me back to my recent relationships. They have a lot of things in common:

  • They all involved highly successful, educated, liberal women
  • The relationships all lasted approximately three months each
  • They involved a power struggle between the woman and myself
  • They tappered off the same ways, with lack of interest and disconnecting

I even got a chance to have exit interviews with three out of the 4 women, asking specific questions that they answered very honestly.

Their answers will surprise you:

  • They were sexually very satisfied 🙂 with me. Both claimed it was some of the best sex they’ve had.
  • They did not like my political leanings (conservative) and this was one of the reasons that one of the women stopped showing interest in me.
  • They pick the three month time period to give them an opportunity to see if I’m marriage or LTR material (beta bucks provisioning with submissive tendencies).
  • One said I was too alpha. She didn’t want me dictating the relationship, as she was in control of her life and child and wanted to fit a beta submissive into her life, which she promptly did.
  • They would rather have control, be with a person who trumpets their own values over his, and continue to hold out for their “one”.
  • Liberal women, especially professionals, still believe the Sex in the City myth.
  • These women still think they can compete and win with women younger than them, even though two of them lost boyfriends to those same women.

So one woman was very up front about the fact that she wanted to control the relationship. She wanted a “yes” man to support her, and at 41, still believed her child rearing years were 2-3 years away. She just had to find the “perfect” guy for her. Her Mr. Big.

The other, a woman I had dated just after my divorce, said I was too submissive. This was before my unplugging. She stated that I would never make plans, and she was the one that always had to come up with things to do.

But as I was unplugging, I’ve noticed that women don’t necessarily want the alpha (which two of the other girls made comments about), but they want the beta bucks badly, but only as a support to their own pseudo-alpha feminine agenda.

It’s an interesting dynamic that I’ve been very curious about, as I’ve had 4 relationships, all at 3 months, that mimicked each other, more so the last three than the first when I was not quite unplugged yet.

One of the women was even a self proclaimed feminist. And when asked if she’d ever consider settling down with a conservative man, she stated “not in her lifetime.”

The Music Will Stop

So now, we come to the conclusion of my unintended experiment. Where are they now?

Well, two of them are still single, entering their 40’s still pining for the perfect man who will save them.

The other two now have beta bucks boyfriends, guys who jump when they say jump, and are content in their chosen musical chair.

The music stopped for them, and they chose the best they could get.

The funny thing about all of this is I hold no ill will towards any of these women. I’m a bit disappointed that power, personalities, and politics play such an integral part of dating these days, and the bile and hatred for conservative men (who are the best lovers) is real.

These women would rather die alone than be subjected to anyone outside of their echo chamber. But this is a topic for another time.

In closing, it’s time for women to start understanding that if they truly want to live a fulfilling life, then Sex in the City is not the life to lead.

These women are having buyer’s remorse about the life they were sold, and as they continue, many childless, they lose more ground everyday to men who won’t subscribe to their politics or power structure, or men who are more interested in younger, more fertile women.

They continue to hope that someday, their “Mr. Big” will come into their lives, and tell them that all of this was worth it.

What they don’t understand, until it’s too late, is it’s not worth it.

The music has stopped, and they’re without a seat.