The Pain You Need

Photo Credit: carlosxuma.com

At the birth of my beta existence, I was a senior in high school. I hadn’t dated much, and was just discovering girls, while many of my peers had been dating for 2-3 years. I was a virgin who had very little experience in this realm. I was a pretty hopeless case. A text book beta.

So it goes without saying that my first screaming case of oneitis occurred in these beta formative years. And of all my cases of oneitis, this was the worst.

She was tall, athletic, blond, and gorgeous. Tiffany was a freshman when I was a senior. She had lived in my neighborhood, and I knew of her growing up, but when she hit high school, she blossomed into a beautiful woman. And she knew it. So being a beta turd, I was already at a disadvantage. I was put into the friendzone almost immediately, with my only success being a stealed kiss waiting for a friend at my parents house.

She dated two of my friends as I continued into college. I was extremely hooked on her, almost unhealthy, and as she graduated, she would bounce around dating my good friends (everyone except me, essentially).

I still wouldn’t take the hint. When she entered college at my university, I tried to continue to play the nice guy. I took her to dinners constantly, listening to her drone on about how my friends were so awesome to her and she had a crush on them. Bouncing back and forth between my two best friends at the time, it was agony for me. And I still couldn’t drag myself out of it.

This screaming case of oneitis had cost me my college freedom. It had closed me off to what was possible. And even worse, if she had asked me to do anything, I would’ve done it twice over. She had a spell on me, and it really affected me.

On several of our dinner dates, I would continue to hint that I would be perfect for her, molding myself into someone she could date, but she would always tell me no. I’d be destroyed for a couple of months, and then go right back to trying to court her. Hope was killing my life.

Hope is a death knell for betas.

It was after college that I finally came a bit to my senses. I started to distance myself from her, only to have her come over and complain about my friend and her’s relationships. Then, her and my friend broke up. I thought this was my chance.

It was a May afternoon about a year after I graduated from college that I heard that not only was she not choosing me (a statement she had made many times before), but she was dating another one of my best friends. I exploded. She called from her car and I went off on both her and my friend. I was done. I didn’t talk to them for years after the fact.

But it didn’t have to be this way.

I’d never taken rejection well. To the point where if I was rejected, I would cower for two – three months and be petrified of approaching any girls. I had to resort to online dating so that I could buffer the horrible pain of rejection. So my high school and college careers was a series of oneitis catches, then rejection, then despair as I tried to get over it. It really was pitiful, but it was all I knew, so those years were essentially a dumpster fire.

“It’s As If You’ve Been Physically Hurt”

Rejection is a primal human fear. It’s a part of us. According to Psychology Today, rejection actually “piggybacks off of pain pathways in the brain.

Humans have a mapped feel for rejection, all the way back to ancient times. Humans have a need to belong, “and when they were ostracized by their tribe, it would almost mean certain death“. So in that sense, rejection was a life or death issue. Survival instincts kicked in after a rejection.

These days, we fear rejection even more, and the ostracization of people can be even more felt. So much so that society has put in buffers.

So terrified are we as a society of rejection, so terrified are we of social interaction, that we have built our dating technology, food service, grocery delivery, and dining out experiences to avoid speaking with people.

Think about it. We have food delivery, pay at the pump, grocery delivery, carry out, porn, and swiping right and left to specifically avoid talking to people in person. Social interaction means exposing ourselves to some form of rejection, and we avoid it like the plague. We like our bubbles, and we erect comfortable walls to keep us safe inside so we don’t have to feel that pain.

So what’s the result? Well, disaster.

Social skills are lacking in younger generations. Young men are having less sex than ever before. The amount of men not having sex has increased three fold over the past 10 years. We have buffered ourselves into a stagnation of child birth rates.

Reading body language, reading a room, interacting with people have all become quality skills that are needed these days. It’s amazing to me how technology has gone out of it’s way to push keeping people in their bubbles.

And all of this, all of it, because we want to avoid the pain of rejection.

The Alternative

Pain hurts. Of course it does. It’s a human body’s generated response to “stay the hell away from that”. But pain is also the body’s greatest teacher. Which is why we as a human race need to stop avoiding it.

S what did I do after I snapped? Well, continuing on my destiny of being a plugged in beta, I finally, finally, got out of my shell just after college. I started to work out more, I started to date more. I was meeting people. I would slowly work my way out of my rejection funks. Where before I would zero out for months, it was now weeks or days. Then, I met my wife.

The “lost decade” for me came after I had made so much progress. I fell back to Earth. And I didn’t have the chance to really come into my own, choosing the path of least resistance. Then I got divorced.

Going through the hell of divorce makes you a different person. The pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of divorce. When you start feeling REAL pain, financial, emotional, and physical, you realize that rejection is nothing.

So as I emerged from my divorce, it was time for me to finally take control. I fluttered around for about a year, dating occasionally, and still feeling the sting of rejection, but not to the extent I felt in my 20’s. It was getting better.

I’ve had three relationships in the 3 years since my divorce, and each relationship has taught me more and more about rejection in the big scheme of my world. The pain was becoming less intense with every breakup, every rejection, regardless of situations.

“Pain Don’t Hurt”

One of the most famous lines from the 1989 classic movie Road House, Patrick Swayze makes an excellent point. As he’s getting stitches from Kelly Lynch without numbing, he’s telling her about the amount of times he’s been stabbed, shot, and beaten up. His body has become used to it. It comes with the turf of being a bouncer.

So what the hell does this have to do with rejection? Well. I’ll let my recent experiences tell you.

In the past year, I’ve been rejected over 300 times by women. And while I now don’t think that’s a lot, taking the beta Red Pill Dad numbers of 2 months average after a rejection to get right, that would be over 50 years to stew over that many rejections. 50 FREAKIN’ YEARS. I’d be 75 years old with the same oneitis problems. What a waste of a life.

My pain is now pleasure. The pain of rejection has now been turned around in my life to give me a road map to be a better man.

Pain from rejection turns into learned experience and eventual success.

After any rejections, I don’t stew. I think, I write, and I study. I take advantage of my pain to show me what I did wrong.

Instead of passively avoiding the pain like we see society doing, I am actively working to avoid the pain by studying my techniques and learning what works.

Now, I’m approaching and getting rejected more than I ever had. The key to rejection is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Knowing that one fact will make the pain of rejection that much more easy to take. Whether she’s in a relationship, not in the mood, you don’t click with her, you live in different cities, or you have different goals and interests, it’s just not a fit.

She’s just not into you, bro.

Getting past the pain of rejection was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But overcoming that pain is small compared to the regret you’d feel living a life of disconnect just because you don’t want to feel it.

Feeling pain is living. So it’s time for you to start.

Personal Responsibility

Credit:  New York Post
As I sit down to write this blog post, several things in my life are getting me thinking about personal responsibility, a concept I whole-heartedly support for everyone.  I consider myself very conservative, and one man’s life is entirely in his hands, and his actions or lack thereof can directly affect his lot in life.  Maturity is essential when a person accepts those situations where they have no control, and makes the most of the situations that they do.
So as a single father, business owner, and Red Pill aware male, personal responsibility is the cornerstone of my belief system.  I am responsible for two children, a business, my employees, a household, and my own person.  Needless to say, I could not attribute my success to anything but hard work, foresight, tireless planning, and self-discipline.  But I wasn’t always this way…
There are some of you out there reading this that have had a rough go and blame your lot in life on outside forces.  Some mysterious force, out of your control, that continues to deny you of what is rightfully yours, holding you back against your inevitable triumph.  This is all bullshit.
There’s been an incredibly disturbing trend in modern Western society where victim hood has become all the rage.  With nanny state governments, victim hood peddlers, and virtue signalers becoming more and more commonplace, the personal responsibility mantra has taken a hit.  No one wants to be responsible, because it implies consequences.  Fear and consequences are the biggest obstacles to overcome, because some humans (while debatable, yes) are naturally inclined to avoid conflict.  No one wants to be at the target when the shit hits, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable to back down. 
You become a better person when the buck stops with you.
I don’t take this responsibility lightly.  People count on me everyday.  My kids depend on me to hold a job, provide food, shelter, clothing, school supplies, and all other necessities needed to grow up in a stable environment.  My employees depend on my expertise, resolve, decision making, and ability to lead to maintain the business so they can provide for their families and live a good life.  They depend on me to do my job so they may earn a livelihood.  My household depends on me to maintain cleanliness, upkeep, and repair.  My own person needs a good diet, exercise, and sleep.  
Personal responsibility is an important first step in the foundation of a greater life.  As you build, more things are drawn to you, you become more successful, you become more reliable, and you will accomplish more of what you want.  Also, when your starting out in your career, having reliability and self discipline (on time, work smart, dependability, ambition) will get you far, and these traits are the basis of a good personal responsibility belief.  
When dating, this responsibility manifests itself into a good physique and confidence to attract, as well as solid personal beliefs that don’t sway when confronted with women who engage emotionally.  
This belief system will be a natural filter for woman whom don’t fit your views, and will add to the effectiveness of “spinning plates” (h/t Rollo Tomassi) when you are dating many different types of women.  Don’t be the beta loser, contemplating your lot in life instead of getting off your ass and making things happen.  You’ll see your prospects dwindle with this outlook.
When in a LTR (Long term relationship), your own personal responsibility allows you to take on the natural gender role of leader, putting any relationship roles the woman doesn’t need to take to rest.  You are the man, act like it.  With a solid foundation of you taking care of you, everything will build off of that, and your relationship will be much stronger (and last longer, if you desire) with your self-reliance and personal responsibility leading the way. 
When you take responsibility for your actions, words, and desires, you will inevitably piss off people.  This is a fear most have as the desire for inclusiveness and acceptance is a human mantra that’s existed for many millennia.   But you can still have those things, as a natural belief in yourself, your thoughts, your dreams, and your actions, will piss off the RIGHT people.  If people are turned off by your persona and beliefs, they will go away, and those people that compliment your existence will be attracted to you.  
So where to start?  Start with you.  Stand up for your beliefs, even in the face of criticism.  Stop apologizing for your views.  Own it.  People will garner much more respect for you when you own your beliefs, your actions, and your words.  But be prepared.  Folks will be critical, they will ridicule, sometimes, as my anonymous brothers have found out,  there will be threats of physical violence.  But stand tall against the fierce wind.  Your beliefs will always be yours, and no one can take that from you.