At 43 and single, I’m finding many of the dates I’m having with women in their 30’s and 40’s are with women who are single mothers. This was going to be inevitable as I am trying to date as many different women as I can all while getting to know who I am, what I like, gaining experience in dating all types of women.
So it goes without saying that dating single mothers is extremely complicated. Many women are not choosing to be single mothers on purpose, so you have to be aware that there are major reasons why they are single. From reasons like a boring marriage or lack of sex to more serious issues such as spousal abuse, drug addiction, or adultery, these women have been through some serious stuff and for many, it has scarred them for a very long time, if not for life.
Many of those women have major trust issues, lack of sexual appetite due to major abuse or trauma, and are embittered by their exes’ lack of commitment to them in their time of need. Plus, on top of this, you have a society that empowers single mothers to be victims all while shaming and berating men who had nothing to do with the situation. Add in the State as a third party to the marriage and you have the makings of a giant dumpster fire.
There’s a huge stigma in the manosphere about single mothers and with very good reason. Many of them are damaged, bitter, and just plain unpleasant. There are men like Rich Cooper and others that are leading the charge against single mothers as damaged, not worth your time, and swearing off on them altogether. And with all the terrible examples out there of women who have taken their situations out on everyone else but themselves, it stands to reason that some of those assumptions that Rich makes are correct. He’s right about many single mothers who become almost militant feminists in a crusade against men. He’s right about the sense of entitlement in single motherhood and I’ve seen it first hand in the dating world. There is a noticeable amount of women who act this way, and Rich is correct to warn men about them. They aren’t looking for a complete relationship with another man. They’re looking for a meal ticket, a support check, or are ready to manipulate an unsuspecting man who is looking for sex and letting thirst drive his needs.
While my endorsement of Rich will no doubt get me some blowback from the other side of the manosphere, I will tell you that while I agree with him on many things about single mothers, it’s a bit more complicated, especially as a man who’s currently in the dating pool full tilt and is seeing these things every day. What am I saying?
I’m saying it’s not all cut and dry, black and white, solid 100%. There are many types of single mothers out there and while many are absolutely monstrous, I can attest that there are just as many that are wonderful people. So what’s the difference? The difference is the amount of responsibility they take for their lives. Let me explain.
I put these women into 4 camps. Camp 1 is the worst of the worst. Feminists, militants, anti-men who blame everything else on their lots in life. These are the moms who get triggered by doing anything remotely having to do with pleasing a man, instead blaming all men for their ex’s terrible behavior. Camp 2 is women who are less militant but still have a very clear bias towards men and especially their exes, blaming them for all the unfortunate things that have happened to them, but not all the way to man hatey status. Camp 3 are women who have softened and are accepting the fact that they can’t continue to blame men and their exes for issues. They have taken a certain amount of responsibility for the directions of their lives and are trying to get out of the tailspin that the lack of blame for themselves had put them in. And finally, Camp 4 is the reformed, feminine single mom. She’s not making excuses, pulled up her big girl pants, and has completed herself in a flourishing manner. She also won’t put any blame on anyone anymore, and also won’t deal with weak-minded men either.
The type of men that these women will search for is inversely proportional to which camp they belong to. In short, weaker men (betas) tend to gravitate towards the 1st and 2nd camps, where the 3rd and 4th get more mature, masculine men. Also, time is a huge factor in moving from 1st to 4th camps. Generally, the longer the time span from her being “wronged”, the more accepting she is of her circumstances and her faults in that choice.
Also, to no one’s surprise, women in the first two camps are usually more liberal than the last two. Camps 3 and 4 are learning more about personal responsibility and have let time hone them a bit, so they tend to be more feminine and conservative.
Camps 1 and 2 tend to look for weaker men to support them and their feminist crusade against the bad men that hurt them.
Camps 3 and 4 tend to look at themselves as independent and don’t blame. They look for men who are complete as they complete themselves.
Why do they go to these camps?
Many of these women married their alphas who rang their bell knowing that they were trying to change him. When they knew they couldn’t change him, they suffered through while enabling him for the sake of the kids or the marriage. They suffered through abuse, cheating, or worse.
Many women who are single mothers have endured emotional or physical trauma for this choice. But something kept them in the relationship. Maybe hypergamy, maybe sex, maybe duty, maybe something. But it’s kept them there too long and they struggle with why they couldn’t make him the way they wanted him because they were so hot for him.
Now, they are looking for a man for a meal ticket, a father to raise kids that aren’t his, or worse, both. I don’t recommend any man signing up for this if the woman EXPECTS him to help her raise the kids or provide money for her and this family.
They also feel like they have to blame other things besides themselves in order to overcome this hiccup. They overcompensate with being born again virgins, becoming radicalized feminists, focusing on their careers, or trying to wed a beta guy to try and show that their choice wasn’t the issue, it was the man and only the man. No amount of voodoo or choice is going to change the fact that she did indeed make that decision to sleep with, marry, have kids with, and enable the man she now blames for her lot in life.
The bottom line is owning a choice. Many single mothers refuse to believe that they had anything to do with the life they chose, that that life was thrust upon them as they were just in love and trying to make it work. It follows on the feminist line that women are infallible, incapable of bad things, and can’t be held responsible for their actions, which is horse shit.
It stems from a liberal, victimhood mentality that permeates the single mothers of our Western society. But I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t permeate them all. It doesn’t. There are good ones out there. I will explain.
NAMALT (Not All Moms Are Like That)
Where I split with some of the manosphere regulars is what I’ve found in the dating world. There are moms out there, good, hard-working moms, who are complete and wonderful. In my limited 3 years experience, I’ve found the rule more than the exception obviously, but I will say that I have gotten into relationships with good women who really were “wrong place, wrong time” types of women. They were dedicated, feminine, and supportive. They took responsibility for their lives. They didn’t let their single mom status divert them from trying to be successful. Many of them are conservative-minded and very family-oriented, yet also independent in accepting and overcoming their disadvantages. They have a man to raise their kids, their dad, or if they don’t, they aren’t relying on a man to raise them. They raise them on their own and don’t expect you to jump in and help, or worse, rely on you as a meal ticket.
While any “red pill cred” I had left with the manosphere may diminish by me saying that NAMALT, it’s something that I’ve actually witnessed in the trenches of dating. And as much as I agree with parts of the red pill argument, I still have to report what I see, honestly and upfront.
While we see some of the worse offenders through Rich Cooper, Rollo and others, we don’t see the success stories that I see, so that’s why I write this blog today.
So, gents, it’s up to you. If you don’t want to date single mothers, don’t. I’m not telling you to do it anyway. You have every right to live your life and date who you want. But I’m telling you that through my dating experiences, there are good ones out there, feminine, man-loving, good-hearted, supportive, beautiful mothers out there.
Hopefully, with this blog post, I can both assure men and also make them aware of the good, bad and ugly of the single mom world. Because there are ton of the last two with our society standing by as a willing accomplice.
But trust your gut and know that the good ones are out there. They are worth it.