The Pain You Need

Photo Credit: carlosxuma.com

At the birth of my beta existence, I was a senior in high school. I hadn’t dated much, and was just discovering girls, while many of my peers had been dating for 2-3 years. I was a virgin who had very little experience in this realm. I was a pretty hopeless case. A text book beta.

So it goes without saying that my first screaming case of oneitis occurred in these beta formative years. And of all my cases of oneitis, this was the worst.

She was tall, athletic, blond, and gorgeous. Tiffany was a freshman when I was a senior. She had lived in my neighborhood, and I knew of her growing up, but when she hit high school, she blossomed into a beautiful woman. And she knew it. So being a beta turd, I was already at a disadvantage. I was put into the friendzone almost immediately, with my only success being a stealed kiss waiting for a friend at my parents house.

She dated two of my friends as I continued into college. I was extremely hooked on her, almost unhealthy, and as she graduated, she would bounce around dating my good friends (everyone except me, essentially).

I still wouldn’t take the hint. When she entered college at my university, I tried to continue to play the nice guy. I took her to dinners constantly, listening to her drone on about how my friends were so awesome to her and she had a crush on them. Bouncing back and forth between my two best friends at the time, it was agony for me. And I still couldn’t drag myself out of it.

This screaming case of oneitis had cost me my college freedom. It had closed me off to what was possible. And even worse, if she had asked me to do anything, I would’ve done it twice over. She had a spell on me, and it really affected me.

On several of our dinner dates, I would continue to hint that I would be perfect for her, molding myself into someone she could date, but she would always tell me no. I’d be destroyed for a couple of months, and then go right back to trying to court her. Hope was killing my life.

Hope is a death knell for betas.

It was after college that I finally came a bit to my senses. I started to distance myself from her, only to have her come over and complain about my friend and her’s relationships. Then, her and my friend broke up. I thought this was my chance.

It was a May afternoon about a year after I graduated from college that I heard that not only was she not choosing me (a statement she had made many times before), but she was dating another one of my best friends. I exploded. She called from her car and I went off on both her and my friend. I was done. I didn’t talk to them for years after the fact.

But it didn’t have to be this way.

I’d never taken rejection well. To the point where if I was rejected, I would cower for two – three months and be petrified of approaching any girls. I had to resort to online dating so that I could buffer the horrible pain of rejection. So my high school and college careers was a series of oneitis catches, then rejection, then despair as I tried to get over it. It really was pitiful, but it was all I knew, so those years were essentially a dumpster fire.

“It’s As If You’ve Been Physically Hurt”

Rejection is a primal human fear. It’s a part of us. According to Psychology Today, rejection actually “piggybacks off of pain pathways in the brain.

Humans have a mapped feel for rejection, all the way back to ancient times. Humans have a need to belong, “and when they were ostracized by their tribe, it would almost mean certain death“. So in that sense, rejection was a life or death issue. Survival instincts kicked in after a rejection.

These days, we fear rejection even more, and the ostracization of people can be even more felt. So much so that society has put in buffers.

So terrified are we as a society of rejection, so terrified are we of social interaction, that we have built our dating technology, food service, grocery delivery, and dining out experiences to avoid speaking with people.

Think about it. We have food delivery, pay at the pump, grocery delivery, carry out, porn, and swiping right and left to specifically avoid talking to people in person. Social interaction means exposing ourselves to some form of rejection, and we avoid it like the plague. We like our bubbles, and we erect comfortable walls to keep us safe inside so we don’t have to feel that pain.

So what’s the result? Well, disaster.

Social skills are lacking in younger generations. Young men are having less sex than ever before. The amount of men not having sex has increased three fold over the past 10 years. We have buffered ourselves into a stagnation of child birth rates.

Reading body language, reading a room, interacting with people have all become quality skills that are needed these days. It’s amazing to me how technology has gone out of it’s way to push keeping people in their bubbles.

And all of this, all of it, because we want to avoid the pain of rejection.

The Alternative

Pain hurts. Of course it does. It’s a human body’s generated response to “stay the hell away from that”. But pain is also the body’s greatest teacher. Which is why we as a human race need to stop avoiding it.

S what did I do after I snapped? Well, continuing on my destiny of being a plugged in beta, I finally, finally, got out of my shell just after college. I started to work out more, I started to date more. I was meeting people. I would slowly work my way out of my rejection funks. Where before I would zero out for months, it was now weeks or days. Then, I met my wife.

The “lost decade” for me came after I had made so much progress. I fell back to Earth. And I didn’t have the chance to really come into my own, choosing the path of least resistance. Then I got divorced.

Going through the hell of divorce makes you a different person. The pain of rejection is nothing compared to the pain of divorce. When you start feeling REAL pain, financial, emotional, and physical, you realize that rejection is nothing.

So as I emerged from my divorce, it was time for me to finally take control. I fluttered around for about a year, dating occasionally, and still feeling the sting of rejection, but not to the extent I felt in my 20’s. It was getting better.

I’ve had three relationships in the 3 years since my divorce, and each relationship has taught me more and more about rejection in the big scheme of my world. The pain was becoming less intense with every breakup, every rejection, regardless of situations.

“Pain Don’t Hurt”

One of the most famous lines from the 1989 classic movie Road House, Patrick Swayze makes an excellent point. As he’s getting stitches from Kelly Lynch without numbing, he’s telling her about the amount of times he’s been stabbed, shot, and beaten up. His body has become used to it. It comes with the turf of being a bouncer.

So what the hell does this have to do with rejection? Well. I’ll let my recent experiences tell you.

In the past year, I’ve been rejected over 300 times by women. And while I now don’t think that’s a lot, taking the beta Red Pill Dad numbers of 2 months average after a rejection to get right, that would be over 50 years to stew over that many rejections. 50 FREAKIN’ YEARS. I’d be 75 years old with the same oneitis problems. What a waste of a life.

My pain is now pleasure. The pain of rejection has now been turned around in my life to give me a road map to be a better man.

Pain from rejection turns into learned experience and eventual success.

After any rejections, I don’t stew. I think, I write, and I study. I take advantage of my pain to show me what I did wrong.

Instead of passively avoiding the pain like we see society doing, I am actively working to avoid the pain by studying my techniques and learning what works.

Now, I’m approaching and getting rejected more than I ever had. The key to rejection is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. Knowing that one fact will make the pain of rejection that much more easy to take. Whether she’s in a relationship, not in the mood, you don’t click with her, you live in different cities, or you have different goals and interests, it’s just not a fit.

She’s just not into you, bro.

Getting past the pain of rejection was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But overcoming that pain is small compared to the regret you’d feel living a life of disconnect just because you don’t want to feel it.

Feeling pain is living. So it’s time for you to start.

Men In Love

Credit:  WebMD

This is Part 2 of my “Men In” series:

There she is.  That girl you can’t get out of your head.  Great body, long blond hair, great smile, blue eyes, nice tits, sweet personality, everything you ever wanted.  She’s all you can think about.  You haven’t asked her out yet, but you see her every day at work, or every week at the gym, or this month at your friend’s get together.  She’s perfection to you.  She can do no wrong.  

She’s the girl of your dreams. 

Congrats, you have what we in the Manosphere call “oneitis“, or an obsession with one particular girl, or what some in the beta male would would classify as love.  It’s portrayed as a man’s reason for living, and most plugged in men continue to pursue this fantasy, sometimes even succeeding, then getting buyer’s remorse for not knowing the complexities of women. 

As we are approaching the reprehensible holiday of Valentine’s Day, a holiday invented in the second century AD by the Christians to skirt Emperor Claudius Gothicus’s marriage decree, and now hijacked by corporations, the Church, the feminine imperative, and Hollywood to make men feel bad for not giving gifts, spending time, or spending money on their significant others, we continue see love being perverted for different gains.  It’s been weaponized against men, through this wretched holiday, as well as through the lens of what the feminine imperative could squeeze from it.

It’s time to talk about men in love. 

Why Do You Hate Love?

“Love”, for lack of a better term, is used far too often for too many situations these days.   Love is supposed to be a catch all for strong emotions about something or somebody. 

The general response to the above diatribe from women to me would be, “Anyone who hates Valentine’s Day or love hasn’t really ever been in love, or they have experienced a bad heartbreak.”
While I have indeed experienced bad heartbreak (as have many men), I loathe that anyone who says I don’t like the word “love” is implying that I’m harboring an internal grudge against it because of past incidents with girls who rejected or broke up with me.  People are dying to connect these dots, because it supposedly invalidates my argument. 

From personal experience, in my early days as an AFC beta, I celebrated Valentine’s Day.  I thought I had to shower a girl with trinkets, gifts, and attention to validate my love for her.  I quickly learned that this was a fruitless endeavor.  I grew a bit wiser, and throughout my later relationships and up to my marriage, I seldom celebrated Valentine’s Day, and “love” was implied in my relationships. When I was married, my wife, at first, didn’t need proof of my feelings for her, but when the time came that she did need this proof (and the check almost always comes due at some point), I was already out the door.  The way that I saw it was, if I had to prove my love to this woman, it ceased to be love, and was now a business transaction.

Men can only feel “love”, or what they think is “love”, because as a goal, logic, and task oriented species, men focus on a goal and look for a solution.  That answer when dating is finding “true love”, or the ultimate solutions to a man’s “problem” of being single.  

This is what a fem-centric society wants.  Love, as with most things these days, has been hijacked by the feminine imperative not as a raw emotion, but as yet another filter to use for their hypergamic natures.  When a man gets oneitis, more often that not, he might as well be holding a giant, imaginary sign that states, “Average Frustrated Chump.”  Women avoid this like the plague, and when they see it, depending on the phase they’re in, not even Beta Bucks will help you. 

Countless romantic movies show men falling for a woman, being the “nice guy”, and getting his oneitis.  That’s how it’s supposed to be.  That’s how a fem-centric society wants to weed out the weak betas.

I don’t hate love, I hate what it’s being used for.

 

The Problem Of Love

For decades now, the manosphere has been accused of being misogynist, as well as decrying the values of love.  I think I speak for most of the mainstream manosphere when I say, I “love” women.  What do I mean?

Well, when I say love in the dating / relationship world, I should be saying:
-I enjoy the female form
-I enjoy the female company
-I enjoy sex with an attractive female, all the emotions and feelings I get from experiencing pleasure with the opposite sex
-I respect and appreciate everything a female has to offer
-I have an incredible admiration for all the amazing things females can do that men can’t

So, if you must call these things love, then I guess I can be called guilty for “loving” women.

The main problem with love is that it’s an emotion you can’t have without consequences. 

Love precipitates in many forms, including good and bad, but all very legitimate.  It’s one of the rawest emotions.  It’s brutality and bliss.  It’s decadence and danger.  It’s volatility incarnate.  It’s chaos.  This is why it can be used very effectively by women, because as creatures of chaos, it’s in their very large wheelhouse.

No matter how the chips fall in the dating world,  saying that word invokes strong emotions from females.  It’s a game changer, and as many a man has found out (including yours truly), saying that word too quickly in a relationship spells the end of said relationship.  You can’t say it until she does, and even then the feeling may not be mutual.  She’s always got something else on her mind, and it’s probably not you.  Unless you have an understanding about the general nature of women, as well as their feelings on love, you don’t have the knowledge of the dynamics involved.  The red pill alleviates many of these pitfalls.

The Responsibility of Love

Love is not harmless.  It’s not a fleeting emotion.  It’s a big deal, and it can get men into a lot of trouble.  When men love, there are many caveats attached to this love, including financial, emotional, and physical support of their woman.  This is how society expects men to show their love.  Women certainly don’t need this love, as they are capable of supporting themselves, but throughout early to dawn of the 20th century history, the man has been the bedrock of a relationship, creating the “bubble” which the woman had operated in. 

Then, with the advent of the Sexual Revolution of the 1960’s, women awoke to a new day where they controlled the dynamic, and they have not wrested control of it.  They were the bubble, they made the decisions, they played the part.  The sexual strategies being employed to this day developed in the past 50 years, and continue to evolve.

This is how society has been built.  Love no longer represents a harmless feeling, it’s very real, and if men aren’t prepared, can be damaging beyond belief.  It also represents a huge financial windfall for anyone wanting to make money off of it’s effects, from businesses marketing products, to family law, to state and federal governments, to churches, love’s for sale.  And if you choose not to play the game of love?  You’re a misogynist who’s been wronged far too many times by women.  Shame, guilt, and ridicule await you.

I don’t condone hating love.  My job is to make men aware of what it entails, what it stands for, and what it really means to be in love.  Love was sold as a good thing, suspending men in the good life, being happy, having sex, everything you were told it was about.

However, love is no longer a fruitless emotion, it is a responsibility.  And when presented like that, it’s not all roses and silk sheets.  I’m here to tell you that it’s not. 

As many wise men have stated, one cannot fully embrace the love of another without first securing the love of oneself.

One of the biggest adjustments of being red pill aware is not only the cynicism of love, but also the promise of how love can truly be fulfilled.  One thing that red pill knowledge has afforded me is the ability to realize more amazing relationships.  When you know what I know, you can approach love and relationships with logic, and still revel in the joys, feelings, and sensations of it.

Love is like fire.  It can be controlled, harnessed for good, but only after you know how to deal with it properly.  So educate yourself, so you can truly love again.


 

Hypergamy

Photo credit:  The Modern Man

Recently, I’ve seen quite a few posts on SoSuave and other manosphere forums about Hypergamy and how important a role it plays in our current dating atmosphere in 2018.

Hypergamy, as it’s definition states, is “the action of marrying a person of a superior caste or class.”
However, in using it with respect to today’s Western civilization terms, it is an innate, involuntary response by females to seek out a mate of high quality.   Most of the time, depending on her sexual market value and where she is in that process, she’ll either fall for the alpha male, or the best beta male she can get.

While this can be a daunting situation to deal with, for the beta male, it is insurmountable.  With a beta male’s lack of confidence, lack of leadership, lack of masculinity, hypergamy takes no prisoners.  Many a beta has seen his hopes dashed after a quick bout of oneitis has manifested itself, then turned into anger and frustration after his precious lady has jumped on an alpha’s cock.  After all, Hypergamy doesn’t care

So what is one to do?  Many of the posts I’ve seen put hypergamy into an all powerful, unassailable obstacle.  This drives men to claim they have no control over the effects of hypergamy, leading them down the path of incels, looksmaxing, and general misogyny.

So how can men react to this evolutionary ideal?  By bettering themselves.

Look, I can’t give you a silver bullet.  Women are driven by finding the best male they can.  No matter how hard you try, there will always be someone better than you.

But, using self enrichment, you can become the best version of yourself, thereby increasing your chances with hotter and hotter women.  Find a hobby.  Focus on your career.  WORK OUT.  Read.  Learn.  When you have knowledge, you gain confidence.  Women will start to take notice of your newest advantages.  And suddenly, a woman in your life will not be the most important thing, just another benefit of your new outlook.

It works.  Experience for me is the greatest teacher.  Last year, I dated a girl for about 3 months and was a complete beta.  She dumped me, and it was then I decided to work on me, find myself, learn, grow.  Now, with this new found confidence, improved physique, and knowledge I’ve afforded myself, the attraction from other women is real.

Do this.  It’s not a woman’s fault if she’s not attracted to you.  It’s yours.  Get off your ass and get to work. 

My extensive knowledge of this subject comes from Rollo Tomassi and the Rational Male.  He is the best authority I know for matters of the man.  Check out his blog and also read his books